New Year's 2008

So another year, another chance to make resolutions, and another day to think about hopes and dreams not realized this year.  So why do we keep hoping and dreaming at all?  Wouldn't we all be better off to just skip the hopes, to avoid he disappointment in advance?

I have had one hell of a year, that I would be all to happy to forget forever.  I am in a different place physically and mentally.  I have baggage both mental and financial to work through.  But will this new year be the year I make a dent in both?  Or even one?

My only resolution, hope and dream for the new year is to become a little less dead inside.  I joke about it.  But after this year, I think it is no longer a laughing matter.  Here's to resuscitation of my soul in 2008.

Rescuing something other than your underwear...

I used to joke with college female friends about needing the jaws of life to rescue their underwear and my karmic justice was served on me today -- trust me!

A new crossroad?

It is coming up on a new year and it has me wondering if I am at a new crossroad for the new year.  I have a lot of non-important stuff going in my life right now so I am not sure if I should make major changes or just let stuff develop on its own.  As usual, I just cannot bring myself to make a decision.  I do know that I need to pick a path this time, since the past of me doing some of one and some of the other is just not working.

Of all things I need to take some action on, I think my two most important things are my personal life and my writing.  I have that someone I want to see if things could develop into something more, but I know that he has some feasibility issues.  As for my writing, I think blogging is the baby step I needed to get back into that pool.  I am going to test the waters at deviantART and maybe get the anonymous feedback I need to get back on path.

I feel 2008 is going to be significant for me.  Unfortunately, I can't say I feel it will be a positive significance for me.  A lot of negative has borne down on me the past few months so I ma not sure how it is going to impact me yet.  No matter what though, I am very ready to say goodbye to 2007.

The story must go on...

I was watching a film tonight in which the main characters life together was interrupted.  In a letter one says to the other that their "story must go on." This reminded me of my senior thesis which has sat untouched for 10 years.  The closest I came to working on it was weeks ago when I started reading it and could not get past two pages I was in so much pain as a result. But I realize that it is time for my story to go on.

The piece is subtitled "a play in one unspeakable act."  I thought it appropriate referring to the past a unspeakable.  Certainly I spent many years never discussing the transgressions of that time with a living soul. My thesis was my first attempt to open up.  But I reached a brick wall that I have not had a chance to tear down.

Today is the first time I feel like the wall is starting to fall.  I feel like this is now the time to complete this project that has been haunting me.  I put my life on hold for so long and for so many reasons.  But I am no longer willing to put my life on hold for anyone or anything.  My time is now and my story deserves to go on.

Roommate bonding

Four episodes later, the roommate and I are once again bonded.

Release me from these chains...

A nice dinner and a enjoyable evening with a friend are no safety to the problems of the outside world.  The past year has been filled with family in and out of the hospital for a number of medical conditions.  One of them was released last week and today was rushed back again.  I keep asking myself, when will these trials of my mind, body and soul come to an end.

I get the impression from family that I am being perceived in a poor light for my need to function outside of the immediate crisis.  I spent many many years of my life being an Atlas with the weight of the world on my shoulders.  But I don't have the strength or resolve to continue in that role.  After all that my own life has been through this year, I need to be free of the burden.

You can't control what happens in this life.  But you can control how you let it affect you.  It has taken me a very very long time to learn this lesson.  I am determined to make sure that this new year is lived with this lesson in mind.

Happy Holidays

Here's hoping next year is a better year.

The Anti-Santa Claus

Johnny Depp is Sweeney Todd and he is sure as hell not Santa Claus.

Kiss and tell...

...never expected to get some tonight.

Day and Night at the Movies...

Now that is a vacation to me...

It's here...

Some rest and time to reflect...

The last two before my mind, body and soul get to take a rest.

Return of the prodigals...

My prodigal co-workers return and I could not be happier.

Three more to go...

The much over due rest and relaxation is coming...

Unfortunately not faking it...

Three is too many to all be faking it...

Quality time with the kids...

Sometimes it is more important to spend time with them than to blog about the nonsensical.

Chicken, party of one?

So yeah, I did not actually spill my guts today as I had intended to and there is a really good reason.  Well, maybe not a good reason, but one that I can live with for the time being.  But I did lay solid groundwork that there was something I needed to clear the air about.  So in legal terms, notice has been given.

Why did I not go forward as I had planned and intended for many weeks now.  Well, it was not because I did not have enough potential opportunities to bring up the topic.  In fact, I flat out said there is something I have been wanting to talk about for some time.  But in light of the way things went at the end, it not only did not seem appropriate, but I felt outright uncomfortable at the thought of it.

So where does this leave me?  Well, I still have about 15 days left in 2007 to get this burden off my chest.  I think I can do that easily.  But I assure you, I will not chicken out again.  Oh hell, maybe I will, who knows anymore. 

No more fear...

Tomorrow is the big day.  I am forcing myself to open myself up for a major rejection the likes of which I have not known in ages.  Tomorrow I could be a living incarnation of tonight's blog pic and you know what?  That's ok.

I have spent the first few months of this journey thinking that I was again in the right place at the wrong time.  Then IT happened.  But then became a more right time but the right place had moved on me.  To be honest though, I have no idea if this is right or wrong or moved or stable or anything anymore.  All I know is that I need to get the words out before I lose my nerve.

Tonight there was a slight, possibly major breakthrough.  It's so hard to tell in this situation, since even the constant lacks consistency.  In any case, it is just under 24 hours from now that I will be in THE place and it will be THE time to lay down my cards and call the bluff.  Yeah, I think that is what this has all been from the beginning now -- one big bluff.  Winner takes...?

So so so many surprises in one day

Today was an amazingly affirming day after so many bad ones this week.  It was a day filled with surprises, laughter, and hope.  Yes, that's right, I said hope.  I never thought hope would be so life affirming.  I have been missing out.

Today I received my holiday bonus.  I am not used to getting them and the past two years have been very pleasantly surprised.  Well, to be honest, this year, I was like OMG!  The amount was a lot more than last year -- nearly double -- which is a huge help right now.  

The second OMG moment today -- well, that is a bit if a secret.  What I can tell you is that it was as very affirming moment.  I am still glowing about it, but now realize how much it sucks to not have someone to come home to and share the good news with at the end of the day.

So tonight I will raise my glass to today being a great, life affirming, OMG day.  We all need one of those.  Lord knows I was certainly overdue for mine. 

We all need one...

After the past few days, I sure as hell needed one.

Another one bites the dust...

So today is yet another banner day in my weird roller coaster I call a life.  Today I found out one of my bosses was leaving the firm.  While I wish her well, I just cannot help but wonder, where in hell is this going next?  The financial, the relationship, and now the work cycle, all repeating themselves.  I cannot even begin to imagine what is next.

I remember this time last year I was feeling insecure about my place at work for fear I was still being held to my predecessor's perceived greatness.  This year, I am just hoping I will have a job now that one of the bosses is leaving.  With all the financial trouble I am in right now, this would not be a good time to be getting laid off.  But wouldn't that just be the topping on the cake of this very deja vu like period in my life.

So I keep wondering if all of these little and not so little negatives are just a way to prepare me for a super huge positive at the end of the week.  I am of course speaking of the very big news to drop on a friend this weekend.  Or this this all a fatalistic warning to not go there.  But at this point, what left do I have to loose.

I don't want to play anymore...

Today I am calling it quits with this freakin stupidity that is financial security.  I have tried a number of things over the years to get financially stable and no matter what I do, no matter how innocently I approach this, I keep getting my ass handed to me.  What the hell is that about?

I think I have more than paid my dues karmically through the drug addict boyfriend (who cost me the better part of $30,000) and the most recent family crippled boyfriend (who cost me over $27,000), yet I keep getting screwed by karma.  What the hell is about that?

I am just so tired of being karma's whipping toy.  While I know there are people worse off than me, I am just fed up with having to be in a constant struggle to just make ends meet.  What the hell is that about?

Nice to be home?

Sometimes coming home is more disorienting than being away...

Not my bag...

My host was nice enough to give me a facial and I realized that I am not a facial type of guy...

O Canada...

How welcome you make me feel every time...

One step away from the blue screen of death...

The older iMac sitting to the left of this text is displaying a blank screen.  That blank screen, with the few items in the dock, that is my brain lately.  A bunch of stuff just under the surface with no actual focus or clarity on anything.  This is no way to live.

I have been working for so long with so much drama and trauma around me for so long that I feel like I just cannot imagine how I have made it this far.  This past year has been one of the most intense and unsettling of my life.  I feel like I have been in a hamster wheel (now there is an idea for another blog) that is spinning without me actually running or keeping pace.  I can only hope that the much needed rest and time off I have coming will do the trick of re-charging the batteries of my soul.

But why do I need to be re-charged more so now that ever before?  What has made this year's trials and tribulations that much more intense and different than any before?  What about this year has made me become a blank screen?  Even more to the point though, will next year be the upgrade I am seeking and oh so deserving... 

The story of my mind...

I am continuing my viewing of the original Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and let me tell you, this speaks to me on so many levels.  The random prattling about inane things is just how my mind works and often how I interact with the outside world.  I have to wonder if this is a sign that I am meant for something greater than what I am doing or that I am just  attracted to this sort of stuff.

I have been trying to get my mind to slow down so I can sleep better and I thought flooding it with random images.  But it does not seem to be helping and in fact might be making it worse since I keep having the most odd dreams that are full of color, and people, and places, and intricate storylines.  

Maybe if I finish the HGTTG my dreams will stop being so annoyingly vivid and disturbing.  Maybe if I find the right someone to share my life I can put the memories of my ex behind me.  Maybe if I finish my writing project my nightmares of the past will finally go away.  Maybe if, maybe then...maybe is become a new four letter word.

My Own Private PTSD

So as I was writing last night's blog I got the brilliant idea to quote myself from my senior writing project, ...but I'm not bitter: a play in one unspeakable act.  So in order to find the line I was looking for, which I knew was in the first few pages, I had to read some of this tome I had not looked at in about 8 years.  What a mistake.

I began writing the play as a way to reconcile my childhood to my future free of my family binds.  What I did not realize at the time I was writing it was that the pain and frustration and anger that I experienced growing up were becoming embedded within each and every word of the script.  I never imagined that the echoes of that time would still be felt so many years later.

I had to stop myself from reading the unfinished script for fear of losing the composure and balance I have achieved with the past.  In doing so, it makes me question whether it is indeed composure and balance that I have achieved over these many years.  More still, it makes me question whether I will ever be able to finish this work and achieve final closure on the past.

Inspiration in its purest form

I was sitting in my living room this evening pondering how I should tackle my original blog topic of sexual harassment in the workplace when an even more inspired idea came to me.  I was talking online with a friend and watching Naked Boys Singing! and the sing Window to Window comes on.  This simple song and he imagery on the screen totally vacated my original topic and inspired tonight's posting.

As some who read this blog have discovered by now, I am one of those boys in the song.  I am waiting for a man from across the way to call for me.  We both have made tentative gestures but both retreated like scared rabbits (there is some irony in this for those in the know).  Yet we never seem to be able to reach that final step were we are face to face, together, telling each other our heart's truth.

Now I only know my own mind and heart for sure and what I know is that I need to tell him once and for all how I feel before it is too late.  I once wrote that "if I wait to long the people who need to be told maybe gone..."

... and in this case the one person who needs to be told already has an incredible knack for disappearing.

OMG, WTF

Tonight's episode left me so speechless I could not even blog about it.

World AIDS Day

Why I hate accounting...

I spent about 4 hours of my day today entering in data into Quicken.  Or should I say, correcting data that was already entered into Quicken.  Now I like Quicken's ease of use, but having to fix the work of others for a 3 year accounting period?  This is where I draw the line.

 I have never been the hugest fan of numbers.  In fact, one can say I hate them.  That is why I studied logic in college to satisfy the math requirement.   How ironic then that I have worked for a CPA firm and spend so much of my day now working on accountings.

Yet I guess we all have things in life that we never expect doing.  Does that mean we have settled for less?  Or is life simply taking us on paths for own good?

What in hell is wrong with people?

So I was waiting for the bus today and heard the sirens of an ambulance running down 2nd Avenue and then turning up Madison (for non-Seattleites, this is relevant, since these are very busy street at rush hour).  I watched as countless motorists, and even some oblivious pedestrians, did nothing to get out of the way of the ambulance.  So I ask you, what the hell is wrong with people?

I can imagine these same people not moving out of the way of the ambulance being the same ones complaining that ambulances and police never get anywhere quickly enough.  Yet they cannot connect the dots in their head that they are the cause of the delays in other emergencies.  I should no longer be surprised that I live in a country where its citizens twice voted for George W. Bush.

So the point of tonight's rant & rave?  People are stupid.  The end.

Futility of the heart

In returning to the tradition of my more cynical blogs, tonight  I am going to have a bit of a rant about the futility of trying to find your soul mate in this world.  For over a year now I have had feelings for a friend who, like the blog pic tonight, remains just out of reach.  Not only is this beginning to get extremely frustrating, but I am just about ready to spill my guts to him in a less than tactful fashion.

I have dropped hints, I have had friends investigate, and I have been getting mixed signals from him that do not make sense to me in the least.  So why after a year do you ask that I feel the need to let the truth set me free?  Well, let's just say that after how 2007 has kicked my ass, I feel like kicking it back some.

I have referred to this friend to my personal confessor as kryptonite, since my power of profiling seems oddly unable to crack his shell.  The personal confessor believes this is a sign that he is the one.  For me, it is just a frustration that needs to be corrected.  Win or lose, who the hell knows what will happen, but I will get this resolved before the end of this year.

Here I am again...

Today marks my life coming full circle.  In 2000 I was in an inconvenient situation and today, I was reminded that I am once again in that same place.  There is a theory that our body regenerates every 7 years.  Based on my poor math, that means I am in the return cycle a few years early.

I am beginning to go retreat into that analytical place that is very dark and scary.  The same place prompted me to create an Access database on the men of my past in an attempt to decipher the patterns.  It is this same place that makes me wonder if I will ever be able to find the right man for me.

Melodramatic or melancholy, does it really matter when you life is in a cyclical repeating pattern that never seem to come to an end?   

Unexpected surprises

Once again, out of the blue, the Internet has provided me a surprise -- a new friend.  Quite unexpectedly, and on a whim, I messaged someone online and he was not only responsive, but turned out to have a lot in common with me.  Just when I was feeling pretty low about so many things in my world, the Internet gave me an early Christmas present.

Now I am not trying to say that this will turn my life around and make right all the wrongs, but it is far better than turning to drinking, drugs, or any of my normal vices.  It is reassuring that there are still nice, kind and gentle people out there in the world and I have to give my kudos to the Internet for once again connecting me to them.

Should it surprise me really that the Internet helps me in such ways?  The Internet is really an introvert's best friend, since we can be connected to any one, any time, any place.  For introvert's it is a way to be part of the outside world without leaving our comfort zone.  God bless us, everyone!

A most Faustian deal

The story of Faust, a man who sells his soul for worldly gain, only to realize at the end he may miss it, is timeless.  I find myself now in a similar Faustian situation which my head knows may be a bad idea, but my heart is willing to try in order to give myself some peace to my soul.  Can there be any more eternal struggle than that?

I have fought hard and long to achieve some semblance of stability in my life and I feel lately that it is all slipping away from me -- again!  Several times before this cycle has played out and each time I have not come out for the better on the other end.  But this time I hope it will be different.

Unlike the times before though, I am in a solid career path, I think.  I am in a place where I no longer fear being along, I hope.  I am fighting for more than just me now, I know.  Oh what a tangled web we weave...

End of the line

Have you ever had one of those days where you just felt that you could not handle one more set-back with screaming?  I am not talking about ending one's life, but I mean you just have had so many continuous ups and downs that you just wonder how much more there is left for you to have to overcome.  Seems like my life is just once giant cycle that repeats itself so often that I wonder if I am secretly on a cosmic soap opera.

This year has been a very difficult one for me for a variety of reasons.  At every turn I have accepted the change and rolled with the punches.  But lately it seems like I am just getting kicked in the teeth more than my fair share.  I needed the past few days to physically and mentally recover and maybe I should have waited a few more days before getting back in touch with the world.  

No matter what weird cosmic or fatalistic drama is going on with me right now, I need to just remember that I have my health (sort of), my animals, and friends and family who love me.  The rest be damned.

A new friend from an unlikely source

Who knew that a passing interest that became a fascination and hobby could lead to making new friends.

Simple reasons for being along on a holiday

When I was growing up holidays in my house were not happy, joyous, or times to be thankful for family and friends.  Our holidays were the reminder of lost loved ones and the effects said losses had on those left behind.  In short, holidays in my house as a child were times I dreaded year after year.  I had hoped that holidays as an adult would be better since I would be spending them with the family I made, but I was wrong. 

After 3 years of spending the holidays with my now ex-in-laws, I spend last year away in Canada with friends.  I should have known that it was a first sign of the inevitable end of that dysfunctional meretricious relationship after 4.5 years.

So today, on this Thanksgiving Day, I decided that I needed to be alone.  I needed time to clear my head and to regroup after what has turned out to be a very difficult year for me.  Right, wrong or indifferent, I think this was the right decision for me since I am feeling more hermit like than normal.  Even my animals have noticed the change in me and I am hoping that in time I can find my way back to the person I thought I was and the person I still want to be in the future.  

Fingers crossed!

A long time in coming...

...and I just need some good old fashioned rest and relaxation. 

Great television that is educational as well...

...and it is about the British -- what could be better?

Muchas gracias

I am so grateful to Brazil for creating my friend who came to visit me tonight.

More than a modern day babysitter...

...it is a surrogate boyfriend on lonely nights.

At the crossroad of Unexpected and...

...what the hell have I gotten myself into this time?

Dinner with friends and family...

...one of my friends, and a friend's family, but still a nice get away nonetheless.

Never been good at this...

...especially when I am the one doing the interviewing.

A new player to the cast of characters

The roommate's cousin arrived in town today and she is lovely.

Absent minded to a point

Forgetful yes, but always properly clothed.

Catching up on my soaps...

...who knew so much could happen in a fictional town in Pennsylvania.