One more nail in the coffin

It is funny how the finish line in life can mean so many different things, all depending on the context.  For me today, I had two events that could be a raising of the checkered flag for me.  One was the finality of a case tat was sucking the life out of me and the second is an opportunity that may prevent me from falling deeper into my financial abyss.

What makes life even more strange is that I had run across the opportunity before, in a different context, and now here it is again before my eyes.  The opportunity sounds like it could be both financially satisfying and professionally developing.  Is this what I have been searching for or in the alternative, my karmic due?

Emotionally I remain empty and I do not like this feeling.  With the completion of some and the advancement of others, my emotional emptiness is not improved.  Will this feeling never change?  Will I always feel dead inside?  Will there ever be a finishing line for the pain that I feel...

AARRGGHHH

Reality bites -- big time -- I don't want to play anymore.

I no longer had a choice

I tried for so long to protect him.  Even when it was against my own best interests.  But today I had no choice.  Today I had to cross the line and break the bubble that he has been living in.  I had to become one of those I have been trying to protect him from all these months.

I am not sure how this will play out but I am hoping that for once, the fates, or karma, will let things play out well for me in the end.  At the same time I still feel guilty for having to bring this to light but I am not ready to back down.  I have others who need my protection more and the are truly helpless.

I am not sure what tomorrow will bring yet.  I can only hope that this step will brings us closer and maybe brings us both to a better place in our lives.  Fingers crossed for a better tomorrow.

My guilty pleasure

The Super Bowl to me and I would not have it any other way.

Memories are a funny thing...

Tonight Torchwood dealt with an alien who was from "the void" and infiltrated himself into the team by implanting memories and resurrecting others.  It makes me wonder on my own memories which like tonight's blog pic, are somewhat distorted and appear to me as if I am looking in at them from the outside. 

I have always thought my memories were the result of my subconscious trying to protect me.  But what if it is not so simple as that.  What if I have re-shaped the memories to what I want them to be in order to rationalize my distancing myself from people.  What if I have consciously manipulated memories to be less hurtful than the truth.  How do I resurrect the truth from the distortions to move on in the right direction.

Even more puzzling to me is, does it matter?  Does it matter if your memories are peppered with editorializing?  Does it matter if you are living your life based on misperceptions and falsehood of your own creation?  Torchwood did not have an answer.  Neither do I.

Karma has a wicked sense of humor...

...and makes me feel guilt over decisions of self preservation.

My new fascination...

...his name is Hung Lo and he is very interesting character.