...he pulls me back in

In the Godfather, I think two or three, one of the Corleones starts bitching how the family keeps pulling him back into the business. Well it is a classic a movie moment as Capt. Kirk screaming "KAHN!" After today accidentally reading some emails I found from the ex, I can relate to the Corleone. Hell, I am sure on some level I can relate to Kirk too, but that will be another day's rant.

So as I was reading this now four year old emails, I could not help but ask my self, "What the fuck is wrong is wrong with you\?" Not just because I was crying about it, but because his pattern of emotional blackmail and manipulation were so clearly established back then and I was too stupid to see it. or maybe I was so battered from so many years of people doing this to me that I just accepted it as normal. Does that excuse my lack of self awareness though?

Over the past few months I have been trying a lot of different things to ease the pain I am somehow not fully dealing with and none of it seems to be working. As a result, I am seeing my failed relationship and destructive behavior in all my friends lives now. I am worrying that I may simply be projecting, and as a result, putting them in harm's way by not being on the look out for the real dangers facing them.

Am I simply that guy who instead of needing alcohol or food, needs the drama to survive? Of all the addictive behavioral patterns I could have internalized from my childhood, I had to pick the most inwardly directed one...