The final countdown...

The Final Countdown, by 80s band Europe, has been considered one of the most awesomely bad songs ever written and performed. But today the phrase is not reclaimed to describe a most righteous thing...the final countdown until my friend arrives from Los Angeles.

My friend who shall remain nameless to protect the innocent and probably satisfied is a very sweet guy and this is his first visit to Seattle. He and I have known each other for many years now and this will be our first major visit together. I am hella excited. Yes, I said it, HELLA!

So why am I regressing into surfer/fratboy (but can you regress if you never were one)? The answer is simple. My friend just knows how to make me smile. Not with anything specific he does or anything, but he just makes me smile.

Sometimes a smile is all you have...

Ingmar Berman (1918-2007)

Ingmar Bergman is one of the greatest filmmakers of our age. He died today at the age of 89. His movie, Fanny & Alexander scared the living crap out of me the first time I saw it in film class in college. So much so that I hunted down the script, just so I could demystify its power and hold over me.

But alas, I have never read the script, have barely made it through a second viewing of the film, and still it scares me.

I spent this evening watching The Simpsons Movie, a very light hearted, at times very sarcastic animated film. A far cry from the seriousness that is Fanny and Alexander. This brings me to my point for this evening.

In a world so filled with drama, pain and suffering it is such a bad thing to once in a while allow yourself and your mind to be filled with silly and mundane images as a way to counterbalance the other. Are not the scale's of justice supposed to be balanced?

But then why do we punish ourselves and berate our society for having such images in television and movies? Is it a guilt over the pleasure we get from escaping the real world? But then what of reality television? (A topic for another day I think.)

Pursuit of the White Whale....

Moby Dick is a very long and boring novel by Herman Melville that I never finished in college and probably never will. In fact, I am proud to say that they crew were not even out of dock when I stopped reading the damn thing. But I know the basic story of a man obsessed with killing the white whale, so much so, that he risks life, limb, and his sanity to achieve is goal. I know understand.

I spent the better part of my Sunday afternoon in pursuit of my own version of the white whale. I can now understand how you can completely lose one's mind in a ridiculous pursuit that leads to nothing. I have the migraine headache to prove it.

So what drives us to these ridiculous pursuits? What makes us just hang one for just one more moment at the stray possibility of completing our goal? What makes us punish ourselves like this for little to no reward? I think I have the answer.

Stupidity. Unmitigated, colossal stupidity. It's that simple. Don't believe me? Take a moment and think about all the insane and futile pursuits you kept working on far longer than you should have and you will see the answer is clear and true. Sad isn't it?

All or nothing...

Seattle is known for a lot of gray days. So one would think that its residents would be able to understand the subtleties in grayness. But as I have quickly learned over the past few weeks this is something that is lacking in most people here.

I have been casually chatting with someone new. First time I had been in talks with someone new since the break-up and I was simply heading at it from a platonic stance. However, I was given feedback tat implied that there was more interest than just friends.

I initially retreated since I was scared by the thought of getting involved with someone too soon, but I did a double take, and decided to see where it could go. But for some damn reason, I keep finding this people who are all or nothing types and simply expect me to adjust and conform to them.

Well, I did that for 5 years with someone who said he loved me. So I ask, why in hell would someone I had never met in person and only chatted with briefly on the phone, think I would do that again for him?

Validation is a wonderful feeling...

After two years I am finally vindicated by my replacement saying to me "I now totally understand that place you were in when you were training me."

Unwound...

Some days you are just too damn tired to care about ranting, raving, or anything in between...

The next level...

You know you have reached a new level of neurosis when you are starting to save other people's families.

Lightening up...

So someone commented on last night's post that it is summer and I need to lighten up. Well, normally I would let the inner NYer in me respond with a superlative and maybe an obscene hand gesture, but I think he may be right.

So to aid that end, I have been listening to the soundtrack to Hairspray and singing along to not only scare my animals but my neighbors. During the old days when I would feel the way I have been feeling, I would sing some showtunes (not always in my natural voice either). I have to say, nothing makes me feel better than belting out some showtunes out of tune.

So I say thank you to Alan, my commenter from last night, and would like to encourage everyone to check out his own blog offering: LaDandy (Northern California).

Huh?

Tonight's blog photos pretty much exemplifies how I have been feeling -- like all the time. Does not matter who I am talking to, no matter what I am reading, no matter what I am doing.

I cannot seem to get any clarity or focus or understanding in any aspect of my life. What is worse is that I do not think it is related to that very high school-ish matter going on in my personal life right now. I think it is more just me not knowing how to read someone closest to me.

I pride myself (and for the lit majors out there, Pride is one of the Seven Deadlies) on being able to read people pretty quickly and accurately. But what happens if I lose this incredible gift (sometimes curse)? Do I become even more bland and blah than I already am?

Will I become like my confused friend here -- a nondescript looking guy in a gray suit with a overly bold red tie in an attempt to get noticed? Isn't that all people like me dear? But what happens to us when it become a reality and that we can no longer even recognize each other...

...an empty page

What more could one want out of a Sunday...good movies, good television, good food, and good company. But like tonight's blog photo, there is something missing...direction...focus...a plan.

I feel like I am going through the motions, but not getting anywhere closer to my future goals. But if I think about it, I do not see any future goals anymore - not real ones. I feel like I have lost my way and am not sure how to get back on track.

How does one regain their senses of purpose in this life without falling down along the way?

Healing is a long and painful process...

It's been just over one month since the sale of the house I shared with him closed and I still hurt.

It's been just over five months since he said he wanted to end our relationship and I still wonder why I stayed with him so long.

It's been just over five years from the day I first met him and I can barely remember that first night we spent together.

As I approach a very monumental moment in my life I am scared more than I can say. I am afraid that no matter what I will do, I will wind up getting hurt again. Is my heart mended enough to take another blow? Should I wait until I am feeling more confident in the outcome? Can I really risk waiting to take this chance? Can my heart truly heal if I don't?

Full circle...

How strange it is to realize that new people in your life are simply the same one's from your past you were not able to keep contact with...

Stand and deliver...

...or How I spent my Thursday afternoon.

Alanis has nothing on me...

I made the mistake of giving my college roommate Jagged Little Pill and I grew to hate Alanis with a passion. But I have to say, I do love irony. Not in the way she does, but just for how it is a constant kick in the ass to your life.

Today I found out that my office was hiring a new office assistant. The irony in this is that he shares the name with the ex of someone I think I may have feelings for...but wait for it...here is the irony...the someone's ex, like the person being hired, has prior experience.

Now wouldn't it be ironic, that the someone's ex, starts working at my office, just as I am about to confess how I feel to the someone. Now that is true irony Alanis...

Go where the story takes you...

I was going to write tonight about how it is so disappointing when people do not live up to expectations, i.e. flaking on plans to get together. But while I was looking for a blog picture for tonight, I found tonight;s and it changed my mind on where I wanted to go with tonight;s stream of thought.

The caption on this half naked man medicating reads "Go where the story takes you." This speaks to me on so many levels since I have unwittingly been a victim of this theory of life. I say this since over the past 10 years I have been in Seattle my life has taken some very odd turns for the better, worse, and frankly just plain ole blah.

But what I guess I am not sure about anymore is that is this something I can afford as I am getting older? I feel like I am not really any wiser, I feel like I may be running out of time to take a chance on missing out on things and people. Is it time for me to finally take a chance?

When is that line crossed between hobby and addiction?

I come from a long line of people with addictive personality disorders - alcoholics, compulsive eaters, co-dependents, etc. But in the modern age of the Internet and instant gratification, have I crossed the line into a new addictive personality disorder all my own?

I am not really sure anymore where the line is between a recreational hobby and an addiction. I find that the hobby is less and less enjoyable, which my hyper rationalization has always processed as simply being that I am not in touch with what I want or that I am simply not in the right place for the experience. But to look at it from a different perspective, one could see it as something wholly unhealthy.

But how does one self recognize addiction? I have seen it in others, counseled my friends on the subject, but never put the spotlight on myself as to whether I need help. I have pondered from time to time based solely on silly criteria, but never took it all seriously enough. Is it now time to do so?

If I am truly on the verge of something new (which in and of itself scares me) am I simply looking for yet another excuse to not try? Am I putting up self imposed barriers to my own happiness by finding fault in myself that makes me unworthy of more? Or is this truly a situation which I need to address before it is too late?

Whatever the outcome of all of this, I know that there is no going back. Either road I take will certainly change me forever to my core being. Reflecting on the past 5 years, I then ask myself, is that such a bad thing?

The long road home...

The road home is never as bright and cheery as we hope...but the creature comforts that await make it all worth it.

Nouvelle cuisine in the twilight zone

Nothing spells trouble faster than a mixture of this, and that, and the other...

Curse lifted?

Is it possible for the curse to be lifted on the most hallowed day?

...no heart

Lose of enjoyment in favorite activities always raises the question: has your heart abandoned you or did you never have one to begin with...

Forget me not...

Not even the beauty of the Forget me not can help one remember one's feelings days and days ago when the heart is still healing...

Bringing back the faith...

Everyone knows, or should know, that I am not a huge fan of the sun. I am much more attuned to the moonlight. Not only is it romantic, but it is a whole lot easier on the eyes.

However, it is not my love of the moon that made me choose this photo of a first quarter moon (and yes, it is first quarter or so the site I picked it from says). It is because it accurately depicts my emotional state right now.

I was going through what would be a new Moon phase in terms of my faith in my own instincts about life, the universe, everything. But I am happy to say that thanks to a rather close call I am seeing the light again.

I make this apology to all my friends and loved ones (who none of whom read this) that I am back on task and open for business...

Creeping its ugly head...

Never let the green eyed monster come between you and a good friend...like your shoes, leave it at the door.

Would you like sarcasm with that...

So explain this to me...why do people feel the need to hide their intentions when it comes to satisfying needs?

I know there is a natural need for privacy, but when the right to privacy starts to cross the line of outright lying, what is the point?

I am pretty sure this issue is not about passive aggressive jealousy, but instead more about my trust issues being so raw from recent events that I may just be overly sensitive for no reason at all.

In any case, does it make sense to confront an issue that may not be a valid one or to just ignore the situation? Or is it option c), I just stop bitching.

...at the bottom of the bottle

I have one again learned that the answer to life's problems is never at the bottom of the bottle...

...he pulls me back in

In the Godfather, I think two or three, one of the Corleones starts bitching how the family keeps pulling him back into the business. Well it is a classic a movie moment as Capt. Kirk screaming "KAHN!" After today accidentally reading some emails I found from the ex, I can relate to the Corleone. Hell, I am sure on some level I can relate to Kirk too, but that will be another day's rant.

So as I was reading this now four year old emails, I could not help but ask my self, "What the fuck is wrong is wrong with you\?" Not just because I was crying about it, but because his pattern of emotional blackmail and manipulation were so clearly established back then and I was too stupid to see it. or maybe I was so battered from so many years of people doing this to me that I just accepted it as normal. Does that excuse my lack of self awareness though?

Over the past few months I have been trying a lot of different things to ease the pain I am somehow not fully dealing with and none of it seems to be working. As a result, I am seeing my failed relationship and destructive behavior in all my friends lives now. I am worrying that I may simply be projecting, and as a result, putting them in harm's way by not being on the look out for the real dangers facing them.

Am I simply that guy who instead of needing alcohol or food, needs the drama to survive? Of all the addictive behavioral patterns I could have internalized from my childhood, I had to pick the most inwardly directed one...

(Lack of) delusions of grandeur

Aries are supposed to e known for their confidence and dare I say it, delusions of grandeur. But what happens to an Aries who lacks this trait and instead has the same energy funneled into low self esteem? Well, I can tell ya since I am the latter.

I always see myself as far less than I am to friends, family, co-workers, etc. This low self esteem tends to manifest itself into allowing anyone who shows me the least bit of positive feedback to take advantage of me -- enter a certain someone who is now a no one.

But what is making me more upset about this pattern more than anything is my worry that it is affecting my judgment to know who really cares and who is trying to take advantage. Do I need to do a Rachel and have a Monica tell me what do do? Or so I need to do some primal screaming to cleanse myself of this negative energy.

I told a friend today that the last thing I ever want to do is hurt a friend and I am afraid until I get this sorted out that all I am doing is hurting my friends. I hope they will forgive me this transgression and be there when I reach the other side.

Shattered but not forgotten...

For the first time in many weeks I had a day off where I did not have to run about cleaning or moving or repairing anything from my former life. I define my former life as that period of 5 years I spent intertwined with a man who I thought would love me forever. This same man made me believe that I could do anything and that we could build a future. For the first time I allowed myself to dream of the future only to have those dream shatter...but they are not forgotten.

The dreams we conceived together were many and simple. Some of them have come true already, but still others, well, they seem like they can never come true now. Like grands of sand sliding through your fingers, the dreams I had are now out of my grasp and instead sit at my feet lost with a million other dreams now come and gone.

I would like to say this feeling is a remnant of issues still unresolved, but it is I think more a reaction to watching another's dreams slip through his fingers as well.

How I wish I did not have this crippling empathy for those I care about. Would make watching them repeating mistakes I have already made less painful to watch...

The two faces of...

Can trust exist where there is question of true intent? Is inherent duality a matter of personal space or harboring secrets? Where is the line drawn when the face you see is the facew of another?

159 Days Later

I believe the Great Flood from the Christian Bible, also known as Noah's flood, last for 40 days and 40 nights. Well, my lapse from blogging was a little longer than that. So let me catch you up with a quick bulleted list of the highlights by month:

• February 2007 - My partner tells me he no longer wants to be with me.
  
• March 2007 - My ex tells me he has found a new place and wants to break out agreement to wait to sell out house
• April 2007 - I pass the real estate salesperson exam; find a new apartment; list my house for sale; find out who my real friends are
• May 2007 - I sign an offer on the house; once again find out who my real friends are
• June 2007 - The house sells; I let go of the past

Now that you are all caught up, let's get to tonight's rant...wish I could say it was a rave and I guess in a way it is, but not in a good way though...

I recently discovered that two people very close to me have been hiding things from me. Both are new additions to my "collective" and both are very important to me. However, I am not sure that I have a right to know what they are withholding from me. While one of them is trying to get by as best they can, the other seems to be drawing me deeper and deeper into something I am not sure I am ready to deal with just yet. So do I try to confront or sit back and let the evnets unfold before me?

My faith in my own judgment is so fractured after recent events that I am no longer sure I can trust what I think or feel. But I remember my former therapist telling me that I should last time I was in this situation. But that was then, this is now, does the same still hold true regardless...