New Year's 2008

So another year, another chance to make resolutions, and another day to think about hopes and dreams not realized this year.  So why do we keep hoping and dreaming at all?  Wouldn't we all be better off to just skip the hopes, to avoid he disappointment in advance?

I have had one hell of a year, that I would be all to happy to forget forever.  I am in a different place physically and mentally.  I have baggage both mental and financial to work through.  But will this new year be the year I make a dent in both?  Or even one?

My only resolution, hope and dream for the new year is to become a little less dead inside.  I joke about it.  But after this year, I think it is no longer a laughing matter.  Here's to resuscitation of my soul in 2008.

Rescuing something other than your underwear...

I used to joke with college female friends about needing the jaws of life to rescue their underwear and my karmic justice was served on me today -- trust me!

A new crossroad?

It is coming up on a new year and it has me wondering if I am at a new crossroad for the new year.  I have a lot of non-important stuff going in my life right now so I am not sure if I should make major changes or just let stuff develop on its own.  As usual, I just cannot bring myself to make a decision.  I do know that I need to pick a path this time, since the past of me doing some of one and some of the other is just not working.

Of all things I need to take some action on, I think my two most important things are my personal life and my writing.  I have that someone I want to see if things could develop into something more, but I know that he has some feasibility issues.  As for my writing, I think blogging is the baby step I needed to get back into that pool.  I am going to test the waters at deviantART and maybe get the anonymous feedback I need to get back on path.

I feel 2008 is going to be significant for me.  Unfortunately, I can't say I feel it will be a positive significance for me.  A lot of negative has borne down on me the past few months so I ma not sure how it is going to impact me yet.  No matter what though, I am very ready to say goodbye to 2007.

The story must go on...

I was watching a film tonight in which the main characters life together was interrupted.  In a letter one says to the other that their "story must go on." This reminded me of my senior thesis which has sat untouched for 10 years.  The closest I came to working on it was weeks ago when I started reading it and could not get past two pages I was in so much pain as a result. But I realize that it is time for my story to go on.

The piece is subtitled "a play in one unspeakable act."  I thought it appropriate referring to the past a unspeakable.  Certainly I spent many years never discussing the transgressions of that time with a living soul. My thesis was my first attempt to open up.  But I reached a brick wall that I have not had a chance to tear down.

Today is the first time I feel like the wall is starting to fall.  I feel like this is now the time to complete this project that has been haunting me.  I put my life on hold for so long and for so many reasons.  But I am no longer willing to put my life on hold for anyone or anything.  My time is now and my story deserves to go on.

Roommate bonding

Four episodes later, the roommate and I are once again bonded.

Release me from these chains...

A nice dinner and a enjoyable evening with a friend are no safety to the problems of the outside world.  The past year has been filled with family in and out of the hospital for a number of medical conditions.  One of them was released last week and today was rushed back again.  I keep asking myself, when will these trials of my mind, body and soul come to an end.

I get the impression from family that I am being perceived in a poor light for my need to function outside of the immediate crisis.  I spent many many years of my life being an Atlas with the weight of the world on my shoulders.  But I don't have the strength or resolve to continue in that role.  After all that my own life has been through this year, I need to be free of the burden.

You can't control what happens in this life.  But you can control how you let it affect you.  It has taken me a very very long time to learn this lesson.  I am determined to make sure that this new year is lived with this lesson in mind.

Happy Holidays

Here's hoping next year is a better year.

The Anti-Santa Claus

Johnny Depp is Sweeney Todd and he is sure as hell not Santa Claus.

Kiss and tell...

...never expected to get some tonight.

Day and Night at the Movies...

Now that is a vacation to me...

It's here...

Some rest and time to reflect...

The last two before my mind, body and soul get to take a rest.

Return of the prodigals...

My prodigal co-workers return and I could not be happier.

Three more to go...

The much over due rest and relaxation is coming...

Unfortunately not faking it...

Three is too many to all be faking it...

Quality time with the kids...

Sometimes it is more important to spend time with them than to blog about the nonsensical.

Chicken, party of one?

So yeah, I did not actually spill my guts today as I had intended to and there is a really good reason.  Well, maybe not a good reason, but one that I can live with for the time being.  But I did lay solid groundwork that there was something I needed to clear the air about.  So in legal terms, notice has been given.

Why did I not go forward as I had planned and intended for many weeks now.  Well, it was not because I did not have enough potential opportunities to bring up the topic.  In fact, I flat out said there is something I have been wanting to talk about for some time.  But in light of the way things went at the end, it not only did not seem appropriate, but I felt outright uncomfortable at the thought of it.

So where does this leave me?  Well, I still have about 15 days left in 2007 to get this burden off my chest.  I think I can do that easily.  But I assure you, I will not chicken out again.  Oh hell, maybe I will, who knows anymore. 

No more fear...

Tomorrow is the big day.  I am forcing myself to open myself up for a major rejection the likes of which I have not known in ages.  Tomorrow I could be a living incarnation of tonight's blog pic and you know what?  That's ok.

I have spent the first few months of this journey thinking that I was again in the right place at the wrong time.  Then IT happened.  But then became a more right time but the right place had moved on me.  To be honest though, I have no idea if this is right or wrong or moved or stable or anything anymore.  All I know is that I need to get the words out before I lose my nerve.

Tonight there was a slight, possibly major breakthrough.  It's so hard to tell in this situation, since even the constant lacks consistency.  In any case, it is just under 24 hours from now that I will be in THE place and it will be THE time to lay down my cards and call the bluff.  Yeah, I think that is what this has all been from the beginning now -- one big bluff.  Winner takes...?

So so so many surprises in one day

Today was an amazingly affirming day after so many bad ones this week.  It was a day filled with surprises, laughter, and hope.  Yes, that's right, I said hope.  I never thought hope would be so life affirming.  I have been missing out.

Today I received my holiday bonus.  I am not used to getting them and the past two years have been very pleasantly surprised.  Well, to be honest, this year, I was like OMG!  The amount was a lot more than last year -- nearly double -- which is a huge help right now.  

The second OMG moment today -- well, that is a bit if a secret.  What I can tell you is that it was as very affirming moment.  I am still glowing about it, but now realize how much it sucks to not have someone to come home to and share the good news with at the end of the day.

So tonight I will raise my glass to today being a great, life affirming, OMG day.  We all need one of those.  Lord knows I was certainly overdue for mine. 

We all need one...

After the past few days, I sure as hell needed one.

Another one bites the dust...

So today is yet another banner day in my weird roller coaster I call a life.  Today I found out one of my bosses was leaving the firm.  While I wish her well, I just cannot help but wonder, where in hell is this going next?  The financial, the relationship, and now the work cycle, all repeating themselves.  I cannot even begin to imagine what is next.

I remember this time last year I was feeling insecure about my place at work for fear I was still being held to my predecessor's perceived greatness.  This year, I am just hoping I will have a job now that one of the bosses is leaving.  With all the financial trouble I am in right now, this would not be a good time to be getting laid off.  But wouldn't that just be the topping on the cake of this very deja vu like period in my life.

So I keep wondering if all of these little and not so little negatives are just a way to prepare me for a super huge positive at the end of the week.  I am of course speaking of the very big news to drop on a friend this weekend.  Or this this all a fatalistic warning to not go there.  But at this point, what left do I have to loose.

I don't want to play anymore...

Today I am calling it quits with this freakin stupidity that is financial security.  I have tried a number of things over the years to get financially stable and no matter what I do, no matter how innocently I approach this, I keep getting my ass handed to me.  What the hell is that about?

I think I have more than paid my dues karmically through the drug addict boyfriend (who cost me the better part of $30,000) and the most recent family crippled boyfriend (who cost me over $27,000), yet I keep getting screwed by karma.  What the hell is about that?

I am just so tired of being karma's whipping toy.  While I know there are people worse off than me, I am just fed up with having to be in a constant struggle to just make ends meet.  What the hell is that about?

Nice to be home?

Sometimes coming home is more disorienting than being away...

Not my bag...

My host was nice enough to give me a facial and I realized that I am not a facial type of guy...

O Canada...

How welcome you make me feel every time...

One step away from the blue screen of death...

The older iMac sitting to the left of this text is displaying a blank screen.  That blank screen, with the few items in the dock, that is my brain lately.  A bunch of stuff just under the surface with no actual focus or clarity on anything.  This is no way to live.

I have been working for so long with so much drama and trauma around me for so long that I feel like I just cannot imagine how I have made it this far.  This past year has been one of the most intense and unsettling of my life.  I feel like I have been in a hamster wheel (now there is an idea for another blog) that is spinning without me actually running or keeping pace.  I can only hope that the much needed rest and time off I have coming will do the trick of re-charging the batteries of my soul.

But why do I need to be re-charged more so now that ever before?  What has made this year's trials and tribulations that much more intense and different than any before?  What about this year has made me become a blank screen?  Even more to the point though, will next year be the upgrade I am seeking and oh so deserving... 

The story of my mind...

I am continuing my viewing of the original Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and let me tell you, this speaks to me on so many levels.  The random prattling about inane things is just how my mind works and often how I interact with the outside world.  I have to wonder if this is a sign that I am meant for something greater than what I am doing or that I am just  attracted to this sort of stuff.

I have been trying to get my mind to slow down so I can sleep better and I thought flooding it with random images.  But it does not seem to be helping and in fact might be making it worse since I keep having the most odd dreams that are full of color, and people, and places, and intricate storylines.  

Maybe if I finish the HGTTG my dreams will stop being so annoyingly vivid and disturbing.  Maybe if I find the right someone to share my life I can put the memories of my ex behind me.  Maybe if I finish my writing project my nightmares of the past will finally go away.  Maybe if, maybe then...maybe is become a new four letter word.

My Own Private PTSD

So as I was writing last night's blog I got the brilliant idea to quote myself from my senior writing project, ...but I'm not bitter: a play in one unspeakable act.  So in order to find the line I was looking for, which I knew was in the first few pages, I had to read some of this tome I had not looked at in about 8 years.  What a mistake.

I began writing the play as a way to reconcile my childhood to my future free of my family binds.  What I did not realize at the time I was writing it was that the pain and frustration and anger that I experienced growing up were becoming embedded within each and every word of the script.  I never imagined that the echoes of that time would still be felt so many years later.

I had to stop myself from reading the unfinished script for fear of losing the composure and balance I have achieved with the past.  In doing so, it makes me question whether it is indeed composure and balance that I have achieved over these many years.  More still, it makes me question whether I will ever be able to finish this work and achieve final closure on the past.

Inspiration in its purest form

I was sitting in my living room this evening pondering how I should tackle my original blog topic of sexual harassment in the workplace when an even more inspired idea came to me.  I was talking online with a friend and watching Naked Boys Singing! and the sing Window to Window comes on.  This simple song and he imagery on the screen totally vacated my original topic and inspired tonight's posting.

As some who read this blog have discovered by now, I am one of those boys in the song.  I am waiting for a man from across the way to call for me.  We both have made tentative gestures but both retreated like scared rabbits (there is some irony in this for those in the know).  Yet we never seem to be able to reach that final step were we are face to face, together, telling each other our heart's truth.

Now I only know my own mind and heart for sure and what I know is that I need to tell him once and for all how I feel before it is too late.  I once wrote that "if I wait to long the people who need to be told maybe gone..."

... and in this case the one person who needs to be told already has an incredible knack for disappearing.

OMG, WTF

Tonight's episode left me so speechless I could not even blog about it.

World AIDS Day