Tuesday, January 23, 2007

...falling to pieces

...but lately i feel like all my pieces are on display for all the world to see.

Monday, January 22, 2007

Closed off...

I have always felt like I am a Chinese puzzle box...

Sunday, January 21, 2007

The haze is lifting...

The cold from hell is beginning to go away and I say hallelujah...

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Cruel to be kind...

How do you not hurt the innocent when you know they will get hurt no matter what you do?

Friday, January 19, 2007

Road to wellness...

On the road to being my non-cold infested self and needed the night off from ranting and raving about this, that and the other.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Is it time to let go...

I was sitting here watching the latest Grays Anatomy and it happened again - the drama in front of me, albeit fictional, was real enough to me to inspire me to cry.

There was a patient on life support and the family was faced with the situation of whether to prolong the family member's life on the machine's and wait for the inevitable to happen anyway or let him go now and let him die with dignity and out of pain.

I was not responding to the literal event before me, but to the symbolism I saw in my own life to this situation. I think that I may be putting my a certain situation in my life on life support instead of letting it die with dignity.

So now I need to ask myself -- what do I do with this realization...

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Paranoia or awareness of one's surroundings...

I am not sure if it is my normal amount of paranoia or that there is something really going on, but I keep feeling like people are talking about me in front of me, behind my back.

I know I am normally a little paranoid and a bit of a conspiracy theorist, and some find it an admirable trait, but I am not sure if it is serving me well in this context. I tend to look for doom and destruction wherever I do and I think this is a situation where I really do not want to have that come into play.

But then again, what if I am right? Do I say do something and try to find out what the deal is or do I just do the unusual action of direct contact and ask someone something? God, I need to get this cold out of my system, it is totally screwing with my Spider-sense.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Fearing your own judgment

As you can see by tonight's blog pic, self image is a very fluid thing. I know personally I have a very shaky grasp on my own self image and am never quite sure what I think of myself from one moment to the next.

I partially blame this on a childhood in which things were never quite that they seemed and people surely never said what they meant. Is it any wonder I have passive aggressive tendencies?

But lately things are getting more complicated for me, since I am no longer sure I can trust my feelings. I have always had problems trusting my own instincts about people and situations, but I am beginning to not be able to be sure if what I feel is real or just something my overwrought imagination is created.

All I am certain of is that I do not want anyone to get hurt by my potential delusions. But does that mean I continue to do nothing, which will then lead me to recriminate myself for non-action. Then again, maybe I need a vacation...

Monday, January 15, 2007

Being of two minds...

I cannot understand why I cannot make up my mind about what to do about the secret project tittled Exit Strategies.

I cannot deny I feel how I feel about the situation as it has unfolded over so much time, but there is still this little part of me that cant let go. This little part of me that still holds onto the hope that the spark I see, that glint of something that keeps me here, will grow and reclaim the land from the occupying forces that are threatening two futures.

I feel like I may be leading on agents involved in Exit Strategies and that is not something I can forgive myself for if it is true. But what I find even more unforgivable is that I am not strong enough yet to make a move on this project...not even the slightest, most minuscule action.

Have I become so numbed by my life around me that I can no longer move at all. And if so, what hope do I have for the rest of my life like this...

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Finally relief...

After many products and many positions, finally a good night's rest...much like this cutie seen here.

Saturday, January 13, 2007

A new form of insomnia...

Lack of sleep from coughing all night...check it out.

Friday, January 12, 2007

MAKE IT STOP...

I cannot remember the last time I was not coughing while trying to sleep...

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Most Fascinating of 2006: Part 3

I met this person at my former job. We immediately bonded against the common foe of stupidity in the world and actually ended our tenure at the firm on the same day. Was it fate to meet her and have her give me the strength to move past the dysfunctional situation I was in? I think so.

In life there are people you meet a certain times in order to help you Mike the transitions in life that you otherwise would not be able to. I think that meeting this person was necessary in order to me to stop a pattern of staying in jobs that were not emotionally fulfilling simply for the apparent security they offered.

Her place on this list is not just for her help and support she gave me during that time. She is on this list because she and I have much in common in our earlier lives and she serves to me as an example that people like us can make it in the world and can over come the past.

It is the ability to move beyond one's past that I have been searching for and she has helped me find my path out of the past at last...

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

I feel just about like this...

Scarey when the weather outside is like the weather inside your body.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Make up your mind damn it!

So today I had the experience of needing to say to myself "Make up your midn damn it!"

Now, I will joke that I am slightly passive aggressive about issues sometimes, but I never thought I was outright inconsistent about things. Yet, today there I was, arguing a point that I thought was no longer something I cared about.

Could I truly be having that final step where I no longer can comprehend my own motivations in life? Am I so completely inundated with things that I can no longer understand what it means to have a firm decision about something? Or is it just that I am so flooded with mucus in my head that I am just needing a good flushing.

No matter which of the above is correct, or what the real answer may be, it makes me ask this question: Can I trust any of my own thoguhts anymore...

Monday, January 08, 2007

Death by cough...

Yeah, it can happen...I have the bruised lungs to prove it.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

More than a politcial pratfall...

I have a new project codenamed Exit Strategies in the works. I know this is the current term being used in regards to a certain military conflict, but since I am not sure if it is copyrighted yet, I will go ahead and use it for now.

Well, my Exit Strategies are involving my extrication from a personal issue that I have written about in the past. But unfortunately, as I have discovered just tonight, mine are in much the same shape as the military conflict version.

I know the general areas that will make up ES and I thought I had made some semblance of progress, but when pressed with the tough questions from a close adviser, I realized that I am needing to take a good long look at what I have been doing thus far or maybe even go back to the drawing board. How depressing...

Saturday, January 06, 2007

Most Fascinating of 2006: Part 2

Originally he came into my life as in therapeutic context, but even in the beginning I could tell, he we were destined to become friends.

We are both avid lovers of film and I do not mean the big Hollywood blockbuster stuff. We love film that is dark, gritty, weird, and chock full of a juicy story.

He is only the second of my friends ever willing to go with me to a midnight show at the Egyptian, which in and of itself could make him a most fascinating of 2006.

But truly, he is on this list for just being one of the most intellectually stimulating people I have met in a long time. He has the ability to make me want to listen to him all day long, since I never know what knew things I will learn about him or about myself indirectly.

I am glad that I have a good friend like him in my life that can make me feel like there are things worth learning about still in this world. Without friends like this, I would surely become that hermit I always thought I would be...

Friday, January 05, 2007

When you start believing it yourself...

What does it mean when you start believing the lies you have been asked to live with for so many years?

Is it a sign of losing your mind? Acceptance of and internalizing of the lies themselves? Or is it simply that the lies have become more real than the the truth?


I recently had the experience of telling someone new the lies that my partner and I have created over the years to rationalize our relationship to his friends and family.

I have told these lies a number of times before and always had a lump in my throat as I did so.

But this time was significantly different. I actually believed the lies myself. I am beginning to become very worried that the day I had always feared coming - that I no longer care. But now a new question is raised for me -- why do I care that I do not care?

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Most Fascinating of 2006: Part 1

I meet this person as I meet many of my friends -- online. He is also, like so many of my friends, of Asian descent. But what makes him one of the most fascinating people I know of 2006, is the inner peace he brings to my soul.

He and I have a lot in common which only makes our bond even more fated in my book. Among those things we have in common are a) several friends in common (something I did not realize at first for a few months), b) intense dedication to our work, c) a blind devotion to those we love (sometimes to our own detriment and d) we both love folding laundry.

The year known as 2006 was a very rough one on me for a variety of reasons. But I can honestly say that meeting him has made it all worth it.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

A new series coming soon...

Hint: Sean C.'s Most Fascinating People of 2006 (in no particular order).

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Past the point of no return...

I recently learned something new about my life - that being right is no longer its own reward.

Tonight I learned some seemingly trivial information that actually has HUGE significance. It is actually a sign of progress in an area of my life that was in need of change. But I find myself not caring.

What do you do when the changes you wanted are no longer important enough to stop and take a second look? Do you keep going through the motions or do you take a step in a new direction?

I find myself starting this new year with more questions than answers. I find myself unwilling to e-commit to the current situation in my life, but at the same time, not willing to take any actions to change. Does that make me more an idiot or a coward. I just don't know anymore...

Monday, January 01, 2007

Not too far from how I am feeling...

The cold/flu thing that I have right now sucks.