Life really is like a box of chocolates Forrest...

Tonight I shall rant and rave on one of my frequent topics - new people in my life. I was recently asked, and I cannot remember by who (which should tell ya something), what my partner thought about me spending so much time online.

My answer, which due to my memory issues escapes me, but it is not really relevant right now. The point is, I am online a lot, and am "meeting" a lot of new people.

Like Forrest said, at the end of his comment, "you never know what you're going to get." I am finding this to be true. I meet all sorts of different people online. Like chocolates some are all pretty on the outside, but truly dark and gross on the inside. More often than not though, I find those who are sweet and gooey inside. The type of people who will become close friends for years to come.

In this season of hope and change, I am glad to say that I am thrilled to welcome so many great people into my circle of friends. I have my holiday wish early...

Over 30 hours and counting...

Yesterday started seemed to be going so well ... until they called. The people called to tell me there was a problem just before bed.

Then more people come and tell me there are more problems and I was given a mission. A mission I did not have a choice in accepting or not. And the result...

...being up for over consecutive 30 hours and surviving off Tazo Awake tea, a two hour nap and sheer determination to see the mission completed.

So mission completed and what is the overall effect? My head is like a Television with no clear signal. What kind of reward is that...

Good fortune smiles on me...

Today has been a freakin banner day! I found out that one of my out of control cases has regained some composure and one of my new friendships is blossoming into a very meaningful friendship. What could be better?

Well, of course world peace, but that is beyond my direct control or immediate tangible benefit.

So for now I will accept these little things and look to a brighter and better tomorrow through the small things in life.

My apologies for the Stuart Smally/Daily Affirmation moment, but we all have them from time to time...

Taking chances, making plans...

One of my closet friend's birthday's is coming up. He has scheduled a party and invited family and friends and I normally shy away from such things for a variety of reasons and almost always come up with a damn good rationalization.

This time it was going to be my friend's feelings about my partner - which are valid in case you were going to start beating up on him.

Anyway, I decided that with all the changes in my life this past year, that maybe it was time for me to start taking some chances and start being more social and out there with people. I still think I am a hermit at heart, but I cannot deny the fact that without more human interaction, I will surely go the way of Yoda and become a demented hermit with way too much knowledge and no way to share it coherently.

Fear has a new name...

Having driving in snow like this Saturday, I was scared into speechlessness, hence, the lack of a more substantive blog.

Homer has nothing on this place...

So I am in Vancouver with Natural Prozac and my other BC friend Arabia and they decided they should take me to Odyssey - the Hottest Gay Bar in the City! Yeah, it is blog worthy I tell you.

So for those who do not remember I am a thirty something and Natural Prozac and Arabia are twenty somethings...normally not an issue, but when it comes to clubbing, then the age difference becomes quite apparent. Granted, I was an old man when I was 16, so that should not shock anyone that I was not really comfortable at the club.

But the point of this blog is not about my feelings of insecurity, which were many, but it is about my analysis of clubbing in general - it is so lame. To
me all I saw was a bunch of post-adolescents getting out years of repression in a hedonistic display of drinking, dancing, and sex.

So then what the hell am I complaining about? Could it be that I never felt the type of repression that could be cured through this type of thing and instead used bitter, bitchy sarcasm as my outlet? Probably...but then again, I am way ahead of the curve...on average.

Auditions...

I have spent the past few days thinking a lot about the choices I have made in recent months (and years) and have come to the realization that I am in the process of re-casting some of the roles in the play that is my life.

I have been out there trying to find the best and brightest to take over some pivotal roles in my life. I search and search and have not yet found the people who will take the places of those currently performing. But I am not discouraged and will keep searching.

However, I think I made some amazing progress today. I will be sure to keep you posted.

I needed that...

I totally passed out and did not even have the energy to blog...

The broken hearted...

There is no greater betrayal than the truth told to another...I learned this lesson this night.

Me in 30 years...

I saw Frank McCourt speak tonight and it has made me absolutely speechless. Bet you never thought you would see me write those words...

Away for the holidays...

For the first time in my adult life, since college, I will be spending a major holiday away from family and instead spending the time with friends. Friends are the family you make and with everything that has happened to me this year, I think I could use a change.

The friends I am spending the holiday with I have referred to as Natural Prozac. Spending time with them always recharges my batteries and I hope that this year I can come back from a holiday break in much better shape then I normally do after spending time with my blood family.

So does this mean I am becoming even gayer than I already was or just getting back in touch with my poor white trash roots...

What would Jesus do...

I have a variety of secrets in my head at any given moment...from work to friends confidences, even my own. Most of the "external" secrets were ones told to me directly, so it is easy to handle them. But what do you do when you discover something on accident?

Do you comment to your friend or just keep it to yourself? What do you do if the secret is something that is potentially harmful to them - at least in your own mind - do you have an obligation as a friend to say something or should you respect their privacy?

I am conflicted on this topic for a variety of reasons. For those who read my blog (and I am not sure there are any) that I am kind of a Yoda to my friends. But Yoda was typically cryptic in his advice and that is not really my style. Then again, I am not the most willing to accept or appreciate people commenting on my life choices.

Maybe I should try a Golden Rule approach. Maybe I should just go on instinct of the moment, that always works...

Childhood memories fade...

I used to have one of these damn things as a kid. I really really REALLY wanted one, no idea why, other than it was round, and for my birthday one year my Uncle/Godfather bought me one. But for the life of me, I cannot remember whatever happened to it. So this then brings up the question, is e-Bay the answer to the inner child's prayers?

I bought two light cycles from TRON a few months back from e-Bay. I never had them when I was a kid and always wanted them. I treat them like collectibles, but not the geek kind. I took them out of the boxes, played with them a bit, but not like I would have if I was 10 years old. Do you think my inner child is satisfied yet?

Unfortunately no. I was also bidding on toys I used to have as a kid, but like the Round Rubik's Cube, did not know what happened to it, and wanted to have it again. I worry myself enough with all my other baggage, but this current one is making me think it may be time for formal therapy again. What do you think?

...somebody's watching me.

So I do not think I should drive at night anymore. Every car that passes me, I think it is flashes its light at me.

I drive somewhat aggressively in my little Mini Cooper S, but I am never reckless and certainly never rude. I am always courteous and expect the same. But I do not think I am getting the same, but then again, maybe I am just insane.

I mean, the odds on every car that I find being a Christine is what, a million to one...

Jack Frost more than nibbles on my nose...

Today's blog was interrupted due to a Danteian like cold...

The true breakdown of society is here...

I just read on the AP Newswire that OJ Simpson will be appearing on Fox on 11/27 and 11/29 in an interview titled O.J. Simpson: If I Did It, Here's How It Happened.

Now, isn't Fox supposed to be the hard hitting, conservative liberals, gays and pro-choice are causing society to crumble? Yet, here they are engaging in gutless, tactless sensationalism for some ratings. I cry foul.

Whether or not the man did it is irrelevant to me (but rest assured I have a distinct opinion on the subject, as I am sure most do), but for Fox to allow this man to parade in front of the world a Columbo-esque theory "if" he did it is abhorrent.

What angers me more about this situation is that as a gay man, I am not allowed to marry, as a gay man, I am not allowed the same civil liberties protections that other citizens are, and as a gay man, I am continually called by the Religious Right as the reason society is crumbling around out eyes.

But how could I forget, I am simply a easy excuse for greater things that are wrong in the world. But how could I forget, I live in a society that hungers for the next great train wreck with rabid morbid curiosity, instead of searching out ways to find the common link we share as human beings.

But how could I forget, the school yard bully mentality is never really gone...it just takes on a new form and searches for a larger audience to satiate its hunger for being more...

Even a Mac has a bad day once in a while...

I was trying to do an update and was not paying attention and I did a bad thing. However, the old boy is back up and running and feeling fine...

Stress + Warm & Fuzzy = Relief

So I was having a major stress attack headache today at work. I had two HUGE projects to get out the door, I had some very uncooperative third parties and could not get my my mind to focus enough past the pain.

Normally, I would take my new found wonder drug, Advil LiquiGels, but at work, we only have Tylenol Extra Strength and very weak generic Ibuprofen. I took the Tylenol and it did little to nothing, as is typical, since Tylenol has not done anything fr me in years -- even Canadian Tylenol!

But my boss came back from his meeting today and gave me one of my projects, said I did a great job, and my headache started to ease up. Who knew positive reinforcement could help so much.

He then told me that the Certified Professional Guardian Board was going to recommend me to the Washington Supreme Court for certification, and my headache eased up a little more. Who knew acceptance and validation could help so much.

I never thought I was the type to need the warm and fuzzy stuff...but then again, I never thought "Little, yellow, different, better." was a slogan that couldn't miss.

Clear and effective are MIA apparently...

Yesterday I wrote about my parnter's fight with his mom. Today is an update in that story.

Well...he comes home very late last night since there was a big family meeting about the fight earlier in the day. This is the same fight which earlier in the day he said, "It's ok, it's nothing." Huh?

Fortunately, it was 3:30am and I was trying to sleep, otherwise the shit would have hit the fan. I mean, how do you function with someone like this? Open communication is key in any good relationship they say. I agree, but there is something missing in that: clear and effective.

Those two simple adjectives that make open communication possible. Without them, it is all just gibberish...and I know all about gibberish. Just read the blog, you will see.

A stonewall...

I woke up this morning t hear my partner being yelled at by someone over his cell phone speaker phone. It was not in English, so I had no idea what was being said, but it was yelling. My partner was yelling back some and it was a rather intense 5 minutes.

So I of course ask if everything is ok, as any normal person would, and what do I get in return, "It's ok, it's nothing." WFT!?! (trust me, the link is funny, but not related to the blog really)

I know I can be somewhat emotionally distant, but I usually will, eventually, spill the beans on what is bothering me and never minimize it. But what do you do if you are with someone who simply refuses to open up about anything?

I am not the kind to read about such things, but maybe I should start, since my own instincts in this area seem to be failing me.

On the outside looking in...

I wrote a few ago about how even hermits need the company of their friends. While I still hold steadfast to that position, what happens when the pendulum swings the other way?

I have been feeling all sorts of conflicted feelings about a variety of different things in my life. From simple little things to some pretty major ones. But the one thing I keep coming back to is "What do I want out of life?"

I did my Tarot cards while in college and they predicted that I would fall into a career in which i would be using skills and talents I had previously developed. Well, that has happened, since I am now working in a field in which my wide assortment of random skills fit together. So I guess the cards were right about that much at least.

The thing that is currently throwing me is the "Wish Card" showing up. It is a card that, theory goes, that if it shows up, all if your wishes will come true. But the danger is that you have to be careful what you wish for, since it is not always what you really want, but only what you think you want. I am facing this reality right now.

On paper, or per the cards, I do have everything I thought I ever wanted. But I am still not truly happy. There are specific parts of my life that I am really over the moon about, but those pieces are so small in comparison to the whole picture, that I feel like I cheated myself for wishing for what I did back then. I mean, I was in college, what did I know, right?

But the even scarier part of all of this, is the reality that I cannot blame the people around me for my unhappiness, since they are not the cause, at least directly. I chose the path I am on and am choosing to remain on it.

Does that give me the right to take out my frustrations on those around me? Or am I entitled to the same happiness that everyone else is, regardless of whether I am where I thought I had wanted to be at this point in my life.

I am just not sure anymore. If you know, please let me know...

My muse is on a coffee break...

Now I know it does not seem like it, but all of my blogs are inspired by something happening to me during the day. I admit, that there are some days that I just really struggle for that inspirational topic to rant and rave about. But tonight, I am completely blank.

I had a pretty ok day at work, was feeling extremely run down all day though. I think I had way too many wickedly strange dreams the night before and that always drains the life out of me. But today I just cannot think of a single thing that is not only topic sustainable, but anything period.

So me being me, mu natural worry now is that my voice is gone. But can I really call the random diatribes I post on here a voice? Does this mean that I am reaching a point of contentment and satisfaction to the point where I no longer need to regurgitate my subconscious on the net? Now isn't that a scary thought...

I am still in shock...

So I did not watch any election results last night since I learned my lesson after 2000. I waited patiently until I arrived at work in the morning and saw that the Democrats won the house. I was in awe and in relief that a new hope was on the way.

At work, we had joy and tribulation discussing who won and who lost, and jumped up and down when we saw that Rumsfeld was resigning. However, we did not expect the chance of what followed: the Democrats winning the Senate.

The past 6 years for me have been an emotional roller coaster in which I have seen many of the truths I have grown up on destroyed by a zealous administration and Congress. But now with this tidal wave of change, it gives me hope that I am not the only one who can see the writing on the wall.

My only lingering worry is what damage can this administration do now with its last two years...

So I was in the bathroom at work today and was washing my hands (with soap) after using the facilities and what did I find, but gray hairs on my temples. Now, anyone who knows me well knows I am not the least bit vain, but this freaked me out a little bit, and let me tell you why.

Natural Prozac is 24 years old. I am 31. I have a lot of friends who are younger than me by 5 or more years. Now, we all never see it as an issue, but intellectually it makes me wonder sometimes why I do not seem to have any friends my own age.

I did a blog sometime ago in which I considered myself Yoda for the simple reason of going insane. But I do also sometimes joke with my younger friends that I am their Yoda, old, wise, and a little cranky. So does this new gray hair mean I am now going to look the part?

What marketing genius came up with this one...

So I was walking back to work from lunch when I found tonight's blog pic staring me in the face. I thought to myself, "What an odd name for a beverage." Then I thought to myself, "Ewww!" So this brings me to tonight's tirade: Who the hell are these people who come up with this?

I understand the basics of marketing, since I used to do it for sometime. But why give a beverage such a connotation rich name? Do you want people to relate your product with those nasty and rather gross connotations? Or was someone asleep at the wheel when this one came out?

Now I know I readily admit that my being an English major has majorly affected my connotation radar to a rather hypersensitive degree, but this one is one that anyone can relate to. So this begs the question - where are those fundamental zealots screaming from the hill tops about this sort of thing being a degradation of the family?

Oh yeah, that's right, this is about making money, so they keep their mouths shut. Can I please get my copy of this week's crib sheet on what is degrading the family this week?

Math is not my friend...

I have never been the best with numbers, yet it seems many of my jobs so far, including the present one, involve a lot of math. I use Quicken, Excel and calculators, to process the numbers and calculations, but I am still not alwways protected from my math mishaps. But I feel I have been compensated for my math short comings by my overly hyper literate abilities.

Unfortunately, my literate abilities sometimes come across as coldness, indifference and bitchiness (depending on the situation). But for me, listening to someone talk is more important than babbling on and on about me. I mean, that is what my blog is for, isn't it?

Not a pattern, I promse...

I was chatting with Natural Prozac all night long and did not get a chance to post today's blog. I promise, he is going home tomorrow, so this will not happen again. I will get tomorrow's blog up ASAP!

My bad...

The Natural Prozac arrived tonight and the blog pic says it all.

Is this train in trouble...

So what would you say to someone who tells you that his partner calling to say he is coming home early made him disappointed in side that he was not going to have time to chat with his friends on the computer or watch television in peace? Would tell them that his may be a problem in the relationship?

What if your friend told you that he felt like his partner was intruding when he was trying to talk to his friends online and surf the web, even if there was nothing to hide? Would tell them that his may be a problem in the relationship?

What do you tell a friend who feels that his life with his partner is a weight on his shoulders as opposed to a wind beneath wings type of thing? Would tell them that his may be a problem in the relationship?

In the end defines a functional relationship? If you know, please let me know.

Who needs self-help...

My friend from Vancouver, British Columbia Canada is coming down this weekend. I often refer to him as natural prozac. Which is not that he is a flower child or a self-help guru, but he just has a good effect on me. I am always calmer, more centered after spending time with him.

But I have never quite understood how or why that is? I have other friends who I am just as close with or have known longer or who are closer in proximity, but they do not have that same effect on me as the Boy from Vancouver.

Can certain people, just by being in their presence, unlock chemicals in you that makes you happier? If so, in this capitalistic society, should we start trying to match people to their natural prozac? Could it out perform e-Harmony and Match.com? Anyone want to invest and see?