It's not you, it's me...

Sometimes even a cliche can be true.

Huddle...

Sometimes there is nothing better than taking some time to talk to yourself about yourself...

Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me...

I guess at long last I finally have something in common with Charlie Brown -- and here I was always thinking it was going to be owning a beagle.

Deja vu or PTSD...

...it is frightening when you can't tell the difference between the two.

A kinder, gentle office setting

I have spent nearly all my working life working in office settings. I have been in formal, casual, and everything in between. But if never ceases to amaze me at the idiosyncrasies that each new office comes with -- like accessories for your favorite action figure. But what do you do when it becomes less of a play set and more of a war zone.

What do you do when stray comments make you feel like you are not in an office, but back in high school, dealing with the demands of assignments being due, getting graded, and playing the popularity game.

Makes ya wonder when the hell high school insecurities and mind games ever end.

Dysfunctional relationship

I think my television and I are spending way too much time together...

Inspirational programming...

I have been watching the new BBC America show Jekyll. It is a modern day adaptation of the Jekyll and Hyde story. It is amazingly well written, acted, and produced. It is insanely inspirational television. So why did I choose this as a topic tonight?

Well, the basic premise of an inherent duality in all of us being manifested to an extreme appeals to me. I sometimes feel that I have spent part of my life being a combination of two extremes of myself. I do not have a magic potion or specific set of criteria that sets off the change between my personalities, but I do feel like I have friends who only know a certain side of me.

I know what you are all thinking that I am being my over analytical self. But inspirational programming tends to get me thinking how it can relate, or in this case reflect, on my own life. I think that my duality is beyond the standard level of friends seeing levels of you situation. I truly think that I have developed a distinct duality in my life as a way to deal with my past and my present.

Why would I need two sides to deal with my past and present? Well, part of it has to do with the trauma of growing up and part of it is dealing with the person I think I want to be. I sometimes wonder if integrating my Hyde into my Jekyll would do me any good in functioning better. Then there is the most of the time that I just do not have the energy to even think about it.

Is that a sign of Hyde winning or Jekyll resigning?

A quiet night at home...

Sometimes a couch + a potato = a Couch Potato.

In search of WCD...

In the tradition of The Stranger's I, Anonymous, I am writing tonight's blog in honor of the currently elusive Weapon of Carnal Destruction. I may regret writing this later as there may be a perfectly good explanation of WCD's absence, but at this point, after the day I had today, I think I need to get this off my chest before it potentially ruins the good thing I currently have going. (And if the good thing is reading this, I am more than happy to provide the uncryptic version.)

You came into my life in a perfectly innocuous way. I liked your company anad pursued a friendship. We learned we had a lot in common and after awhile I thought you liked being around me as much as I liked being around you.

Until one day I made the mistake of integration. You seemed to play well with the other children in the sandbox. The other kids had nothing but nice things to sayt about you. But they warned me that you seemed to be holding something back. I should have listened.

Who could have known things would take the turn they did the night before I last saw you. A playful gesture that I thought meant more -- and obviously did -- more than either of us could known. Like opening Pandora's box, we were not ready for the consequences.

For over 6 weeks I have been in search of you and today I thought possibly I caught a glimpse. But whoever I saw ran like the Devil himself was chasing him. And maybe I am.

I am in a good place now and do not want to risk carrying tis baggage into what is looking like a thing for me. I just want you to know that I am not mad, I am not upset, I am just numb toward you now. And that is more painful to me than anything I could ever have imagined...

Well deserved reward...

I had a very rough day at work today. Well, to be honest, a very bad few days, so I am always looking for the little pleasures in life to make myself feel better. Tonight I did something I do not do nearly enough - a mid-week movie night.

Tonight I went to see Super Bad (see my review on Sean C. At the Movies) with my fella. The night reminded me just how lucky we are to live in a city with Landmark Theatres. No matter what ya see, the people who go to a Landmark are always excited to be there.

I need to remind myself that I love seeing movies in the theatre, whether alone or by myself, and that after a rough day, maybe I should go out and catch a flick.

What was I thinking...

Looking back at old blog entries, I sometimes wonder, did I really need to be SO cryptic that even I could not figure out what the hell I was talking about...

Catching up on the DVR...

I hate it when my DVR is overloaded...

Not just politicians anymore...

Ponder this exact point and see how even the little people can fall into its trap everyday.

An ideal date...

I asked the fine young man I am seeing tonight to give me the suggestion for a blog topic. He said, "How about the best date you have ever had?" Now that is a great idea. Unfortunately, my memory is not what it used to be, so I decided to writte about what is the ideal date for me -- which I have been lucky enough to share with him too.

For me, dinner & a movie has always been the best first, second, and for that matter, any date. I like the dinner & a movie date for a lot of reasons, but most of all, it allows you that necessary social time to interact and some time to rest and stare at your guy, and then something to talk about afterward on the way home.

The dinner & a movie dates I have had included a wide variety of features, including Lethal Weapon 4, Jerry Springer: Ringmaster, and most recently In & Out. I would like to say the choice of movie is not a sign of where the relationship is headed, but the first never made it past a first date, the second a year of turmoil and horrors, but the third, so far, is turning into a happy, positive, fun journey into a bright future with endless possibilities.

Who knew the choice of a first date movie could be so foretelling...

Fear the great motivator...

Driving home at 12:40am from international borders when you are emotionally upset is not all its cracked up to be...

The zen is gone...

Then zen feeling I used to get from doing laundry is gone...long live Zen.

A perfect date...

A good man, a good scene, a perfect date indeed...

Catching up on Llanview...

Quiet night alone catching up on my favorite soap ... what could be better.

The story of my life...

How interesting it is to begin this the third reel in the story of my life...

Peace of mind...

Over the past several months I have been in search for a return to a stable mental state. Now I realize that those who know me wills say that I have never had a stable mental state. While this may be true, I always had a level of instability and it is that level I would like to reach once again.

The good news I have to report -- I think I am headed back to that place. There is someone new I have just started seeing and while it is early days, just the fact that I am willing to start dating, is a good sign to me. A few months ago I could not imagine dating anyone again for at least another year. I guess I was wrong.

Peace of mind to me is more than being able to sleep through the night...it is the ability to feel comfortable in one's own skin. I can say that lately I am feeling more comfortable than I have in long time. Not just because I am dating again, but because I no longer have the influence and strain of a negative home environment. That above all is what makes a mind a haven.

A new hope...

The photo to your left is from Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope. I chose it not since tonight is about classic science fiction. But because it was "a new hope" in the saga that is now the 6 episodes of the Star Wars series. What makes the photo choice most appropriate is that I have spent the last 6 weeks pondering my life over the past 6 years. Hopefully the triple 6's are not an omen.

Over the past few weeks I have been chatting and just started dating someone who has made me feel like there is a chance for happiness in my life. While we have only known each other a short time, and we are taking things so, this has at least given me a new hope that I can open myself up to someone again. Something that I have been wondering about for quite some time now.

Life has begun again for me in a way that is both special and affirming. It is my chance to try to get things right this time. No more regrets, no more looking at the past. The present and future are bright and I am not going to let anything destroy that for me.

That just new feeling...

How to balance that fine line between giving all of yourself too soon and being able to open up at all...

The 5 year hiatus...

The return to the game was scary at first, made me queasy during, but made me ready to keep on playing...

Pondering one's belly button...

It is amazing how small changes in one's routine can cause you to need to re-evaluate everything around you. Unfortunately, that re-evaluation does not wait for a proper time to occur -- it happens at a moment's notice. Like it did today.

In a social gathering full of people, I found a quiet, secluded corner to think about the days that have past and the implications they have on my life, past, present and future. But should I feel guilty for being anti-social?

I am by nature shy and reserved, but do I cross a line when I am introspecting? Do I really care anymore? I am beginning to think not...

The healing power of friendship...

It is amazing how some one on one time can heal all problems between friends.

Will the real Sean C. please stand up...

In the past week I have come to realize that I am not sure anyone truly knows who I am. This theory is being grown from a single seed of insecurity that possibly I did not properly let my friend see who I am and that as a result, we are in the situation we have been in at the moment.

I begin to wonder if I keep myself so armoured from others that I give them a false impression of myself. This false impression then leads to misunderstandings and disappointment. These issuers then lead to the pain I am feeling now.

What can I do to become more open without losing the edge that makes me me? Do I need to change who I am or am I simply in a twist of fate moment that has made me start to question every fiber of my being? Can anyone help me out with this one...

Three's a crowd in any situation...

Does not matter how old you are...being the odd man out hurts. What gives it an extra special sting is being the outsider for two people who have known each other for 5 minutes. But I have it on good authority that my perception on this one is not actually impaired. What a relief.

It is strange how even as an adult, in my mid-life if the average age adult males in my family is to be believed, that you still feel the same insecurities and angst you did as a child. Unfortunately, as you get older though, the pain that comes with those feelings grows in proportion to your age. What a crock.

So here is to childhood problems never going away, just getting bigger and more painful with age. What a life.

Another face in the mirror...

Have you ever discovered that the person you thought you knew and then started to see some things that make you wonder if you really knew them at all? But the thing is these traits are not so out of the ordinary for what you know of them that they are strangers to you, however, they appear to you splintered like tonight's blog photo.

I have had two friends recently appear to be splintered. I would like to say that I am having a proper supporting friend reaction to it, but I am not. I feel not so much betrayed, but more just confused. For some time I have been thinking my powers are slightly off. It is making me question my perceptions and ability to know what is in my or my friends best interest. If I lose my confidence in this, then I am not sure I can be an effective friend, or effective at managing my own life.

So now I need to know, is the splintering I am seeing in my friends a result or consequence of my powers being blocked. Only time and some mental recuperation will tell.

Intervening powers

Can always trust the three sisters to frustratingly keep me out of trouble...

Long lost friend...

Today I met for the first time in person a good friend of mine. He is just as sweet, kind and funny as he has seemed over the computer screen that has been between us for so many years. It is nice to know that in some ways my judgment of people is not completely lost yet.

I have been feeling lately, due to a variety of situations that have arisen, that my judgment skills have been impaired beyond repair. Or at the very least cloudy in terms of my relation to men. I sometimes wonder if the things I thought I was seeing are merely a subconscious device to deal with pain that I have been ignoring. I mean, at the sheer mention of my ex, I go into this tense rigidity that is not comfortable.

So it is with great trepidation that I am walking into a potential new situation with someone who seems to me to be very nice and kind and gentle. I really do not think I can recover from another person in my life who turns out to only be a new version of the old product. Here's hoping for hope.

Disappointment never felt so bad...

As I am getting older it is the very little things that make me happy. It is these same things that when they do not work out, make me feel so disappointed that I want to just crawl into the fetal position and cry.

Now for some reason tonight I had planned something very simple and rather extravagant. I was hoping it to be the beginning of a month filled with goodness and light. Ok, that is a bit much, but hey, I am a little dramatic ok, what else is new.

So I am hoping that today was simply a sign that my extravagant and ridiculous decadences should stop and that I should focus on more real and tangible things in my life right now. Like new people...