Where do we go from here

It is almost New Year's and things certainly have changes. The Democrats are in control of Congress again, more and more States and Countries are realizing that gay civil equality is a human rights issue and I am working for a organization I can be proud of and thrive at for many years.

However, one thing that has not changes is that I am still in a place in my life where I need to decide what it is I want out of my relationship. Or for that matter, can I call what I am right now a relationship.

Four plus years ago I was in a very bad place financially. Well, now I am in a stable financial place and yet I feel like I may be worse off than I was because I now feel emotionally bankrupt.

I have high hopes for 2007. I am hoping it will be the year that I can finally reconcile all parts of my life at once and find myself in a place where I can not only be happy, healthy, but wise...

Where did consideration go...

I found this pic as I was looking for something to post on my blog about inconsiderate people. I have never heard of the school that made this, but I have to say, I agree with each and every one.

Over the many months I have been posting to this blog, I have talked about specific things that my partner does to aggravate me, but all of those things boiled down, are simply a lack of these things listed here.

I hope that the new year brings more possibilities for everyone, myself included, to be better at acting with these signs of consideration in mind.

Although, if indeed you can't teach an old dog new tricks, am I in for a lonely and frustrating year...

An actor worth admiring...

Are you like me and just insanely tired of hearing about Brad and Jen, Brad and Angelina, Tom and Katie, etc. I mean, truly, what do these "stars" stand for other than being completely plastic representations of culture.

I am completely nauseated by it all and I am on a mission to find someone better.

I recently became reacquainted with Hong Kong born actor Leslie Cheung. A man who was both talented and inspiring. He was a brilliant actor and singer who made over 50 movies and released 30 songs in his career. But what makes him truly great is his bravery to come our as a bisexual man.

In spite of his coming out, Cheung was still widely accepted and loved by his fans and after his tragic suicide his partner was not only allowed to be the executor of his estate, but was listed in his full page Hong Kong newspaper obituary, as his surviving spouse.

This is a man who talent and courage should be admired. I know I do.

WTF!

It is more than a hit single from Billy Joel - pressue is freakin everywhere!

From work, to friends, to people I am just getting to know, everyone is putting pressure on me. Is it any wonder I am popping Advil Extra Strength Liqui Gels like they are candy drops? (Product Endorsement Moment: They are freakin amazing and unfortunately we do not have them here in the United States for some reason. Click the link for more details.)

I read my horoscope today in the Seattle Weekly which said that I am known to try to way too many things and as any human would, obviously fail at some of them. But next year I am destined, or so Caeriel Crestin says, to accomplish more than any other year possible.

So is the pressure I am feeling from the external REALLY just coming from the internal? If that is the case, does that make me even more demented than I thought? Definitely something to think about...

Friend of a friend is a friend indeed...

I was talking to Natural Prozac about a friend of his I have met a couple times whom I shall code name My Favorite Martian. So My Favorite Martian seems like a really sweet guy and I always check in on him through the Natural Prozac.

Apparently My Favorite Martian is having a bit of a hard time right now and I could not help but get upset about the story. Isn't it kind of weird how you can become invested in other people you only know through a common third party?

I like to think that it is through this process that new friends are possible, but for people like me, those who are dead inside, it is a long, hard process, regardless of how you meet people.

Maybe it is time for me to learn how to open up to people on my own. But wouldn't then I need to develop a power of regeneration of my soul...

The lord's birthday...

It was a long day for him and for me, so hence no formal blog.

Worlds collide...

I almost had the cataclysmic event of Costanza proportions last night...

This is your brain, this is your brain on...

...too many movies in a single day. I never thought it could happen to me...

Emotionally unstable...

I just finished watching the Season Finale of Doctor Who on Sci-Fi Channel. Last season ended in a very shocking fashion. This season totally topped it. So much so that in the last five minutes I started to cry. The same type of crying I did when I saw Bobby and watched the series finale of Six Feet Under.

Each time this normally happens it is because I am having an emotional reaction to the events in the story so much so that it is reminding me or more appropriately, forcing me to face some realities in my life I am not wanting to deal with at the moment.

The issue that caused today's outburst - the Doctor was leaving behind someone he loved very much in order to save their life. Not that I am in a life or death situation, but I am beginning to wonder if leaving someone I love right now (or in the near future) would be what is in that person's best interests. I am extremely torn on this point, since I know for sure it might be in my best interests.

I have been struggling with this issue for some time now and the more I allow myself to open up about it with people, the more confused I get about what is the right thing to do.

Maybe I just need to have a really good cry so that it all cam come out of my system in one movement. But is there anything out there that is THAT emotionally charged to melt my ice cold heart...

Where do I go from here...

I was having a very brief conversation with Natural Prozac tonight and I commented that things have been weird for me since came back from seeing him last month.

But before I could explain he had to go eat. Good thing too, since I am not sure how I would have explained it to him.

Tonight's blog pic pretty much describes how I feel. My heart is not just broke, but it is fractured. I think that is what keeps me in my current situation - the fracture.

Not completely broken into two separate pieces, but split and holding on by a thread. Is that anyway to live?

Speed 3: Emerald City Grooves

I had a couple scary days on the bus and I am just had the blog scared out of me.

Tact-free for the holidays...

Just days after 1.5 million people were without power, there are still people in Seattle who do not have power. Yet those very special people amongst us, who do have restored power, while their close proximity neighbors do not, are blazing up the holiday lights.

Now I am not a fan of the flamboyant display and waste of electricity on the best of days, but in this time of crisis, I just find it absolutely appalling and wrong.

I know I have a lot of baggage and issues about a wide assortment of random shit, but this time I think I am right. Aren't I...?

How long can it go on...

I have not slept well in many nights. Not sure if it is the snoring, the stress of work, or he weird weather that is doing it to me, but all I know is that if I do not get some good, restful, Lindsay Wagner flogging the Sleep Number bed sleep soon, I am going to lose it.

Sleep for me is not just about the physical relaxation, it is a chance for my subconscious to unload endless amounts of crap into my conscious mind and give me something to think about all day long.

Could my lack of sleep be a sign of more troubling matters ahead? My fear of dementia, of having to make that ultimate choice between happiness alone and misery together, or is it just that I can't sleep for the simple fact that I can't sleep...

Another stage of neurosis...

I was joking with a friend of mine recently about how I watch really really awful movies as penance for not being a more diligent student in my college film classes. Sorry Van.

But sometimes I wonder if it is less to do with penance for college and more to do with my own neurotic guilt of engaging in such a passive activity. As we all know, I am THAT neurotic, so it could be true.

Be that as it may, though, I sometimes think that I make myself suffer WAY too much. Whatever happened to the punishment should fit the crime and all that crap.

Then again, my other major neurosis is over thinking the little things, so maybe that is the case...time will tell.

A glimpse of what the future could have been...

Today I had the very intense experience of seeing Bobby. I was not even born when RFK was shot, but by the end of this movie, I was crying for the lose of a great man.

It was amazing to see how much of what he said and stood for was so ahead of his time. This movie also made me angry at what has happened to our country over the last 6 years and made me realize just how different this country would be today had RFK lived, even if he had not won the presidency in '68.

My request of anyone who may read this posting is to see Bobby and join the new enlightened.

Power down...

Thanks to a rather violent visit from Mother Nature, tonight's blog could not be posted, but one observation did come across veyr clearly: my investment in the TY Partnership is over.

Contentment made me do it...

Today was the office holiday party and I ACTUALLY had a good time. I enjoyed the company of my co-workers without the usual pent up drama that has been prior jobs. I believe, I really believe that progress is possible!

Why I love competition...

I know I have said it before, but I love my MacBookPro. It is the best damn computer I have ever used in all these years. I have Tiger as my main OS, then a shell of Windows XP and another shell of Linux. What more could I want?

The power to have the functionality of Microsoft Office for free. I have Office 2003 for Mac and was also turned onto something called NeoOffice. It is a MS Office clone that works great.

The best part is that OpenOffice.org, the group that makes it, has it available for PC, Mac and Linux. Just tonight I put a copy of Open Office on my PC shell so I can do whatever, whenever I need to, on any of my computers operating system. I love this thing.

But what I love most is that Open Office is FREE! Yes, that's right, FREE! Take that Microsoft!

When is too much too much...

I was talking to one of my co-workers today who commented that he was short some CLE credits for his professional certifications. For those who do not know, CLE is continuing legal education, sometimes called CPE ("continuing professional education").

Many licensed professions require continuing education credits to maintain licenses and designations. It is a way to ensure that professionals are staying on top of the trends in their profession and also offers a great way to network.

Personally, I have over 60 CLE credits for this year. This is an absurdly high amount for someone at my level who has no professional designations to maintain.

My old co-workers used to joke with me that I just took CLEs to get out of the office and out of doing real work. Well, sorry guys, the reason I took so many is so much simpler -- I am insecure.

I take as many CLEs as I can since I always want to know more so I can be better at my job. I have always been that kid who wanted to know more than anyone else so I could impress the teacher. I still am that kid, but I want to get more than my bosses' approval, but everyone I know's approval.

It took me so long to find a profession, after watching my friends find theirs years ago, that I just want them to be able to look up to me as a professional in my field.

It is stupid and childish and ridiculous I know, but some childhood wounds will just never heal...

Taking a break...

Yes it is a kitty pic, and yes, I am taking a day off from blogging...I can use the rest too.

Window to the soul...

I have heard, or possibly made it up, that dreams are the window to the soul. So what the hell does it mean that I am dreaming about watching someone have an interview to be a flight attendant?

I was having a long chat with a friend last knight who is already a flight attendant and one of my ex's is also a flight attendant, but what the hell does that have to do with me?


Normally my dreams are more functional in term of my subconscious playing, but today's dream was not playful and not pleasant to wake up from. My body kept trying to force me to wake up it was so uncomfortable with the whole thing.

As I wrote last night, maybe it is time for therapy, and maybe I need to find someone who is good with dream analysis. Any referrals?

It's time...

In Monter in a Box Spalding Gray (may he rest in peace) talks about how he wanted to answer suicide calls for Christmas and that during the interview the hotline representatives suggested he go into therapy himself.

Now, I have been in therapy before, once as a kid and once after the end of a very intense relationship. Neither time really did much for me, since I am not the type who needs help realizing the issue.

Lately though, I have been feeling like there are too many potential issues going on right now and maybe I should try therapy again. But is my theory of self awareness being an impediment to progress real or just my overly analytical mind creating barriers to progress? I am not sure I am willing to waste the money on such a big gamble. Maybe I should just drink like everyone else...

Round and round you go, where you stop no one knows...

Today I had the unique experience of the revolving closet door.

I go to a small card shop near my office every morning for a snack and beverage. it is run by a very nice lady who asked me today if I had done my Christmas shopping for my wife.

Now I do wear a wedding ring my partner gave me and I do wear it on my left hand. But I never really think about it as indicating anything anymore. In fact there are days I do not even realize that I have it on or that it is even a wedding ring. (Click here for more on this topic)

So I answered her as if my partner were my wife. I felt weird doing it since I have been out since I was 18 and it is now pushing 13 years later. Part of me feels that it was not worth correcting her, but part of me wonders if that is the real reason, or if I am just afraid of rejection and judgment.

Never ceases to amaze me just how many of those childhood scars keep peaking their heads out everywhere...

Breathe in, breathe out...

Tonight's blog photo reminds me that every once in awhile we all need to stop and take a moment to look around and say, "Hey..."

I have felt like the past few weeks I am running on fumes. Work has slowed down considerably, I am taking some time off from my real estate course, and I have been pretty hermit-like in regards to my social life. But I still feel like I am running on fumes.

I cannot remember the last time I felt totally re-charged and ready to tackle life. I saw Natural Prozac for a total of 7 days last month, twice what I normally do, and I still feel like I am running on fumes.

I made a promise to myself recently to start taking stock and make changes that will work for me in the long run. But like a car with bad gas, do I need to run through all the crap in my tank, before I can fill up the tank with the good stuff. I guess until then I am just going to be running on fumes...

The History Boys

Thank you to SIFF Group for a wonderful evening at the movies...this is what life in Seattle is all about for me. Everyone must run, not walk, to see this when it comes out to regular release.

Just the facts...

I have never thought of myself as someone who has a problem telling people like it is...but today I found myself having trouble finding the words that would not only get my point across, but would allow me the chance to not betray confidences of friends. But today was different.

I discovered that when the topic of a hurt so deep is being questioned, that I am just as vulnerable as anyone else. I am capable of cracking under the pressure and letting secrets out against my will.

Is this a sign of becoming a better adjust person? Or just a reminder that some hurts take longer to heal than others...

Mussolini's revenge...

I think I have discovered what Mussolini's revenge is...mediocre italian food visiting you the following day...

Death by chocolate...

My friend's birthday cake was something like this - it was big, it was beautiful, and I loved it...

(extra points for those who get the reference)

Do you know who I am bitch...

Tell me -- where do people get off being so full of attitude these days? I know I can be full of piss and vinegar from time to time, but when it comes to full on attitude, I try not to, since it just does not seem polite.

I sometimes think that as we get more advanced with technology we forget that common civilities that used to be in place. Even in letters now a days, people are far more bitchy than they used to be.

Oh, how I long for the days when a "Good day sir" was attitude.