Past the point of exhaustion, but not fully awake...

When I was younger and I had reached the point past exhaustion, I would reach that golden place of being fully awake. But today, when I left work and could not remember what day of the week it was or that I had drove in to work, I became worried.

But it did not end there. When I went to the chiropractor and could not remember how to sign my own name, then I knew I was in real trouble. Is this a sign of getting older or just that I have reached the point where I am just like everyone else in terms of stamina and performance?

I know it sounds sort of arrogane that I am worried I am falling to the level of average humans, but truly, for all my other averageness, I used to have the most insane ability to thrive off stress and lack of rest. But if I am no longer THAT guy, then what guy am I?

(And yes, I love kitten pics, shoot me!)

Sharp as a knife...

I was just sitting here in my bedroom, eating dinner, and listending to a conversation going on next to me. A very simple comment made in passing just cut through me to my core. It was a perfectly innocent comment I am sure, but in the context of my life the past four years, it wasn't that simple.

When you live your life with someone in a dual role, ine in which you are that person's everything and one in which you are a nothing, how is it possible to not feel very comment made in which you are exlcuded, whether inentionally or accidentally, from not feeling like you are being invalidated?

We are experiencing technical difficulties...

Due to a technical difficulty due to my internet my blog for Sunday was unable to be posted. I will be sure to return to that topic at some later date. Thank you for your patience.

The lost key...

Today I was hanging out with a friend, well sort of a friend in the making to be exact, and he asked me if there was anything missing from my life. I of course answered yes, and said, "I just cannot figure out exactly what that missing thing is yet." Hence the problem.

I have felt like I was losing my way for sometime. But I have not been able to pinpoint exactly what is missing from my life. The only thing I do know is that whatever is missing, it is pretty significant to my overall happiness.

So I leave my faithful readers with this question this evening - how long do you search for the key to unlock your heart? Perhaps even more importantly, what do you do when you find the key and it leads you someplace completely different than where you thought you were going?

I'm just spare parts...

I am sitting here watching the latest episode of Doctor Who and I was starting to write my blog about some childhood trauma. Well, Mickey makes a comment to the Doctor, "It's always been about Rose. I'm just spare parts." This comment stopped me dead in my tracks. It rang so true to me based on my current relationship.

I joke with my partner that he puts me last and even go as far as to say, "Your family comes first, your friends are second, every other damn thing in the world is next, and then I am dead last." Scary thing is, I do not even think this is true anymore. I am just spare parts to him.

This one stray comment in a sci-fi series has made me realize just how easily I can be replaced with someone else. It makes me wonder if he has really ever meant anything he has said to me. What is worse? This has happened to me once before. That person whose birthday I received a reminder for last week (and ironically enough again today) put me in this same situation. I am so surprised that I let if come upon me so unexpectedly. I should have know better.

For those who are curious about tonight's blog art work, it is the cover art to Genesis' And Then There Were Three album.

Unexpected changes...

So today I was minding my own business, making plans, and someone I had not expected to, suddenly took that next step into what I will hope will be a really good friendship.

I have had so many friends move away over the past few years and I have not made that big an efffort over the years to make new ones. I take the occasional risk now and again, but so rarely that I wind up with a lot of "chat buddies" and not really friends I can see socially and hang out with. But I guess it is time to let the cat out of the bag, so to speak, even hermits need human interaction once in a while too.

Friends are what make the world go around -- without them, where would we be...

What is good for the goose, may not be so good for the gander...(and as an aside, what the hell is a gander anyway?)

So today's blog photo is rather ridiculous, but is brings up a point about something I experience on a regular basis in my relationship - the double standard. I have been with my partner for four (4) years now. In that time we have had many ups and downs related to this issue.

While he does things that drive me insane, and lead to discussion after discussion, which then lead to promises not kept, and then even more discussions, and in the end, I am the one in the wrong for expecting some common courtesy.

But the heaven's be damned if I ever do the same thing he has previously done, since I am not only in the wrong for having committed the breach of courtesy, but I am also in the wrong for bringing up that he does the same thing. Does this make sense to you?

Yeah, me neither.

The little man...

Do you remember that episode of Seinfeld where George is saying his little man is in idiot? The little man is of course the one who controls is impulses. I am guessing George's little man looks much like the little man in the picture in tonight's blog.

So for most people impulse control is a delicate balance between prudent and rash activities. Then there is that group who have no impulse control and just go ape shit every chance they get...and then there is me.

I am that rate breed whose little man takes hyper control over all activities to the point of near paralysis. My little man has prevented me from meeting people, taking chances on investments, going for those dream jobs, etc.

As a result of this, when I do occasionally take a chance when the little man is sleeping, I REALLY take a chance. Often the chances lead to damaging my good name, reputation and self respect.

Why do I bring this up today? Not sure, but I think it is from the same place that my insane childhood memories are coming from. And what else is a blog for but to get your shit out of your system and into the global community...

Faded memories lose their bite...

I just finished watching the third episode of the second season of the new series of Doctor Who, the British sci-fi phenomenon. This show started in the 1960's and then had a hiatus for a very long time until the series was fully resurrected last year.

This episode I watched was bringing together the current Doctor, his current companions, and one of his former companions from the 1970's. Sarah Jane Smith, an investigative journalist, was one of my favorite companions. She was also one of the few people the Doctor ever referred to as his best friend.

There was some very weird tension between Rose, the current companion, and Sarah. There was also some odd tension between Sarah and the doctor. Sarah kept referring to how the Doctor never returned for her and in fact, he never did.

The entire time I was watching this story, I started to think about people from my hometown who I intentionally tried to loose contact with over the years. While the Doctor never looked back because it was too hard, I did so because I needed to heal.

But just like this episode, it is so odd how I am running into people from my hometown through myspace.com. The memories that were too painful for me, that I ran away from, are so faded that being in contact with these people no longer hurts.

Is that what happens to your memories? They fade to the point of no longer being reminders of what you have been through? Is this how I have developed a decent relationship with my family?

On this date...

On October 27, 1975, Bruce Springstein was profiled in Newsweek. The cover (left) was one of many articles about a man who has changed the face of music forever. Also on this date was born the man who would change my life forever -- my ex-boyfriend.

He and I broke up almost 7 years ago - just two weeks shy of our anniversary and on the exact date we had discussed getting married on someday. I have very little left of that relationship, other than my kitten, who we originally adopted together. I consider my kitten the only good thing to ever come from that relationship. But oddly enough, I have not thought about this man in years. Until now...

Apparently I had set an Amazon.com address book reminder for his birthday and had completely forgotten about it. It came across my email, very innocently, and when I read it, I was floored. Not because I feel any great regret that he and I are no longer together, but that it has been 7 years since we were together.

I started to think of all the time that has passed and how different I was back then. In a lot of ways, my current relationship feels a little bit like that one, but with some major corrections. I have lost track of the friends I made during that time and it does not make me feel empty like it should.

I have hears that your body regenerated all its cells within a 7 period. Now, at my bad math, that would be major changes at 7, 14, 21, 28, 35, etc. But could it be that your whole life in general can undergo the same principle? But then does it follow the same schedule or can you track it from your major moments in your life?

For me the 7 factor would not work. But maybe I am on an accelerated schedule, since as I have told some of you, life expectancy amongst men in my family is 50.

More insane childhood memories...

So this is one similar to my Jesus chasing me blog, but even more disturbing. This is actually inspired by a friend from high school asking me when I knew I was gay and subsequently came out and then a college friend forwarding a myspace.com post about my recollection of 8th grade. So here goes...

When I was a kid, my next door neighbor was very clingy to me for awhile. There were not many kids on our block so it was inevitable. But I think he sort of idolized me in a way (never happened again, so I am only speculating about this) and it was like everything I did or had, he had to have as well.

For example, if I was eating a piece of cheese, he would run to his house and get a piece of cheese and come to my house, and they we were together eating cheese. So, as you know from the Jesus chasing me blog, my mind is terribly warped. So somehow, and I still do not know how, I had this revelation that his mother was the one putting him up to this and the conversation went something like this (on my head that is):

Mother: You have to do everything Sean does.
Son: Why?
Mother: Because if you don't. God will punish you!

Now, of course, this is ridiculous, and slightly self absorbed of me, but I was like 8 years old or something and I was imaging Jesus chasing me, so doesn't it follow?

Out and about town...

This is a substitute blog for this date since I did not make it home in time to write a formal blog. So, I offer you this lovely photo of the Seattle skyline in place of my usual gibbersh. But rest assured, the next installment will be a doosey.

Crocodile tears...

Ah, the power of the internet. With the new blogger, I can blog from anywhere, anytime, as long as I have internet access. No more am I restricted to my MacBookPro and need to wait until I get home from work ot start in on a rant or rave about something that has set me off. So yes my friends, I do love the internet. -Public Service Announcement over.

Now, if you have never heard the story of ccrocodile tears, here is a quick link regarding same. CLICK HERE .

That said, I had an experience recently with this phenomenon. Someone close to me did something very disrespectful to me. Said person knows how I feel about this, since it has happened many, many times before. Said person apologized and I responded with a very flippant one word response. Said person was hurt by my reaction to the apology. My thought, "Cry me no crocodile tears!" Why I am thinking in broken English, is beyond me, but there ya have it.

So, my question to the world - am I too harsh? Am I too cold? Or am I just reaching that point of no coming back where I just truly no longer care to care...

Escape for the holidays...

So Thanksgiving is quickly approaching and I am trying to make plans to be away for it this year. my family is in Arizona and my parenter's is here. We usually spent every Thanksgiving with them and since I am not planning on going to see my family this year, that means we will be spending Christmas with his. So I ask you, is it unreasonable of me to want to minimize my contact with his family to only one major holiday this year?

Now, I am not saying I would rather be around my family, because that is SO not the case. I am just not big on the born into family dynamic in general. I am much more a friends are the family you make type of guy. So I am hoping my good friends in Vancouver will be around to entertain me and give me an excuse for not being in town this year.

Today was not my best day at work. I have a case in which there is a probate open both here and in Texas. The Texas probate court has taken the stance that even though we have a perfectly valid legal system in Washington, we should have made sure to get Texas court approval for every action taken for the past 18 months. To me this reaks of the old school yard bully antics.

So why is it that no matter how old some people never grow up? Why is it that no matter how mature people think they are, they still think that they need to make others feel small?

When I was in school, before I became the master verbalizer I am today, I was one of those people picked on for being different. I spent a lot of time feeling scared and inadequate.

I guess that is why I entered the field I did, since I want to help those who cannot help themselves. I know so Knight Rider...

The green eyed monster...

I just came back from watching Eating Out 2: Sloppy Seconds which pretty much picks up where the first one left off. It was funny and entertaining and raunchy and wonderful. However, subtley in there was the idea that jealousy of a boyfriend's friends can lead to trouble.

So this now leads me into tonight's topic. Can it be possible to have friends who are inappropriately hot? This was a topic I sort of touched on a few (many few) posts ago about wanting to "do" your friends.

But in this case, is there a problem having friends who are hot and ignoring the potential it could have on your relationship? At the same time though, what about limiting or denying yourself the opportunity to know people simply for someone else's insecurities? In the end why must you choose between your boyfriend and friends? You never force someone to choose between a boyfriend and his family, but in some way, people consider just friends different.

But for me, my friends are my family, so I will not allow myself to be put into the position. Of course, I do tend ot segregate more than most, so I am probably not the best judge to go by on this one...

Pondering one's thoughts...

Today is rainy in Seattle. Well, it looks like it may be brekaing up finally from the looks of it from my living room window. I spent the better paert of yesterday at the SLGFF and had an absolutely great time. The Boys Short program was mostly good and Uncut was a little odd, but entertaining nonetheless.

I am right now watching Mel Brook's Young Frankenstein and it is a hoot if you have never seen it before. But inspite of it all, the rain is the greatest thing I know to help one start sorting out the cob webs and clean up the crap in one's mind.

I had a dream a few weeks ago where I was cleaning out this open space, like an alcove, in my house, and it was like a trash dump. I thought at the time, is this my bran's way of trying to sort out the overload it has been experiencing between school, work, and my incessant movie watching? Or was it just as I normally suspect, and just my brain having its version of diarrhea? Who knows.

All I know for sure, is that I love the rain, and it was the main reason I moved to Seatte. Yes, I admit that, now I leave you all to ponder that one or yourselfs on this rainy day in Seattle.

And on the seventh day he rested...

Even the lord took a day off, so I am needing to take one off too. I am going to be doing three movie programs today so rest assured, tomorrow I will have much to say.

Truth is never easy...

This I hope will be the first in many blogs inspired by a film. I just returned from the opening night of the Seattle Lesbian & Gay Film Festival and saw Shortbus. This movie has been declared porn by many due to the sex scenes in this movie being real and not simulated. However, I can tell you now, this is far from porn and in the beginning of a new type of story telling.

The art design was inventive and the acting was so real and human that I felt like these were people I new or in some instances, these were my own life experiences.

The most disturbing part of the movie for me was a character who I assume was supposed to be former New York City Mayor Ed Koch. There was as sadness in this man. A deep sadness that spoke to me on a most basic level and made me want to do exactly what Ceth (pronounced Seth) did - give him a kiss and a hug.

This movie reminded me of the reason I like to see the movies - the feelings it makes me feel - often the feelings that are kept hidden and deep inside, but need to be forced out. That is the power of movies for me.

A new dawn...

On the anniversary of the one month mark of my blogs, I am going to be moving them to another server which will give me slightly less power and control over the fonts, colors, etc, but more space and control over audience and content. So -- pardon this housekeeping blog for now, but trust me, the proof will be in the pudding in the new site.

A matter of perspective...

Before I start on tonight’s blog, I want to state the following: 1) I am a native New Yorker and lived there from ages 0 - 22, 2) I had family in New York City on September 11 ,2001, and 3) I knew people who died in the Towers.

Now everyone probably heard about the plane that crashed into the condo today in New York City (CNN Article). I was at lunch with a room full of people and a TV going when the news broke. No one flinched, since, stuff happens.

I returned to my class and someone decided she HAD to tell everyone about it. Then she stated she had to leave early to pick up her kids and that she had family back there. Again, no one flinched since, stuff happens.

Is this what we are reduced to? Those who are now afraid of their own shadow and those who accept life as it happens and are looked upon as cold and callous as a result?

As the blog pic shows, there is always going to be those black and white situations where it all comes down to a matter of perspective for people to take it all out of context.

Is this what keeping us safe is all about?

Second, third and fourth looks...

Has something every happened to you where you were not sure what just happened? Something so disturbing that you did more than a double ,take, but a third and fourth and then still had no idea what the hell just happened? Just such a thing happened to me today.

So perception and image is a powerful thing. It is something that allows us to relate to the world around us. But when that perception is distorted, it not only throws your sense of balance, but makes you question everything you have always known.

Once that line has been crossed, how can you reclaim that original position of security and safety? For me, it is less a question of that and more of a question of, do I even want to.

Psychologically charged symbols...

I realized today, after two days, just how powerful a psychologically charged a symbol can be. I had tried to do without something for the past two days, and even though I had tried to do without it before, I could not do it.

The something has significant meaning beyond the psychological portion of its existence, but it seems to have become part of me in a more elemental way than I had ever realized.

So is it possible, even probable, that an item can take on a brand new meaning and just erase its original meaning? If so, then the something is no longer a symbol of what it was originally and instead just an article of me.

(I do not expect anyone to really understand this blog, but it was something I needed to get off my chest.)

The nature of justice...

I just came from seeing Martin Scorsese’s new movie The Departed. Not to give anything away, but in this cop drama so many things happen that bend the law and certainly make one wonder about the nature of justice (both legally and universally).

The particular pic of the scales of justice is a slightly updated version I found on the web. It seems appropriate in light of the fact that in today’s world there is so much that makes what is traditionally known as justice as is no longer considered such, i.e. Miranda Rights, the Geneva Convention Guidelines on Torture, etc.

I often come into odd discussion at my job on what I think are simple legal issues, but I often am given the look of, “Oh, how naive you are.”

Maybe I am too idealistic in my vision of justice in the world or maybe the world is just starting to have that social deterioration the Red States have been obsessed about for years.

But if it is the later, what does that say about those who are currently in power?

My own private Pinocchio...

Everyone is probably familiar with the story of the quiet, old man who wanted a son so badly that a fairy came down to his shop and turned one of his puppet boys into a living creature who’s nose grew every time he lied.

Well, imagine you live with someone like this for 4 years, but do not have the benefit of the nose growing warning? How do you react to the continued, and seemingly obliviousness, of one who lies to you day in and day out over the most random and serious things at the same time?

Personally this boy is not going to take it anymore...but what exactly that means is still under debate. Any helpful suggestions?

May - December friendships...

So I have no idea who those two people in the photo are, but it was the best one I could find to illustrate my point.

Now, the age difference between my younger friends and I are not as great as the two people in the photo, but sometimes that is how it feels to me.

Now the funny thing is, most of my younger friends and I have tons in common, and it is not weird when we spend time together. I was always mature for my age and I think like an Immortal I can tell others who are more mature than their years.

I have been making some new friends, all about the same age range of new friends I have now, and as I get older, I begin to wonder if there is something wrong with me that I do not know how to relate to people my own age.

Hell, I am probably just over thinking as usual. What else is new.

Explain this to me like I’m a 6 year old...

The more movie savvy may remember the title of tonight’s blog from Philadelphia. The reason I chose this picture and title is because today I had an experience that has me very confused about the face value of what your senses take in and your brain processes.

I do not want to go into details, but suffice to say, I am now questioning the simple things I take for granted.

My question for tonight is this: Does knowing something, even something simple, mean anything when your senses are bombarded with new information that is not the same as you are used to?

Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Clause...

The title of the blog and the photo are from the classic Miracle on 34th Street. I chose this as tonight’s topic for one simple reason - a former client took the time to call me and thank me for the work I had put into his case before I left my old firm.

As some of my blog readers may know, leaving my old firm was a very difficult decision and process for me. There was a lot of hurt feelings all around and frankly, in my opinion, some unprofessional behavior.

However, having the client call today was so unexpected and just made Christmas come early for me. It just goes to show, that the little things can make a difference.

Nuts-n-bolts and maybe a little compulsive...

So this is the 27th entry of my blog and to celebrate it I have created its own site. There is still a link from the main site, but you can now get here directly if you like as well, since there is a link from the main site to here.

I also added an email me button to the end of each entry in case you want to easily rant back at me and I encourage that, since I love to chat about the insanity that is my mind.

Now why am I wasting ab log on this? Well, like the blog title says, maybe a little compulsive I am, would say Yoda (well, I can check my Yoda speak widget for that - and yes, there is one, REALLY!).

Anyway, enjoy, email, and lets get this party started...

Creature comforts...

Now that the colder weather is back, it is time for me to fire up the fireplaces again. In my first house, this very quaint place in a seedy part of Tacoma, had a stone faced fireplace. It was natural wood burning and I used to love to have it going all the time (even though I lived there only during the summer).

My new fireplaces are gas and they are not as nice, since they are so hot, and the gas smell. But what makes it all better is that I have one in my bedroom.

I know it is cheesey and geeky, but there is something to be said about the romance of having a roaring fire going as you are wrapped up in your covers in your bedroom. I like the feeling or safety and security. Nothing else gives me the same kind of feeling of safety. NOTHING!

Balance in all things...

The Ying/Yang symbols, as I have always understood it, is that there is a little bit of good in all evil and a little bit of evil in all good, or something like that. I think the morale is that this can be translated to any and all extremes.

So if you are mad at someone, say a boyfriend, and you are so mad at him you could spit nails, is it this ying/yang thing that allows you to melt on a moment’s notice when you are with him and forgive all he has done? Or is that just the true nature of love?