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I was watching KBTC (the Tacoma PBS station) and there was an in-between show promo featuring Bob from Sesame Street. At first I was like, “who is this tool?” Then he identified himself and I was like, “damn he got old.”Then I remembered even Mister Rogers is dead. Which then made me think about how much I used to love the Electric Company, but that I can’t really remember it, other than the psychedelic introduction.As I was looking for tonight’s blog photo I found that the Electric Company is available in a boxed set. How amazing is that!It just goes to show that with the advances in technology nothing from childhood can truly be forgotten, since eventually someone will re-package, market it, and guilt you into buying it and reliving it all over again.
Tonight is the night I get to watch one of my all time favorite shows from childhood. Not sure why I found the Soap spin off so enticing, but when I saw TV Land was airing it, I devoured it for weeks. I watched nothing else. Which is odd that I would watch something that would bring me back to my childhood.I have a musician friend, who every time I go to see him perform, brings me back to a dark place in my childhood. However, this has never happened while watching Benson.Could it be that TV, even then, was my escape in a very elemental way? And that with things in my life being kind of topsy turvy I want to return to that same safe place from childhood again?
Today was day one of Certified Professional Guardian training. One of the last presenters today is this very flashy, smarmy, attorney who was way too much high energy for me. He sort of reminded me of, yes, you guessed it, Guy Smiley from Sesame Street (featured above).
So this experience has sent me into tonight;s rant about how high energy people are not only annoying, but just damn draining. It is like they are those kids in school who were always “look at me” except they are now all grown up and louder than before.
People like me, the quiet, shy ones in the crowd who never spoke up about anything, are the ones who suffer most from people like this, because we are then compared to that and believed to have something wrong with us as a result.
So I would like to ask all of those people, on behalf of all of my people, just stop before our inner rageaholics come out and strangle you.
Why you may ask did he choose a picture of Napoleon for tonight’s blog? Well, let’s just say I had a run in with someone who had his namesake complex and I am fuming mad.
For those who don’t know, and if you do not shame on you, Napoleon was a short man who went completely overboard to compensate for his own inadequacy.
This same issue seems to attract people to certain professions in which they think they have a higher purpose and some inherent power over others, when in reality they are simply just small people.
My final thought for tonight -- just remember every Napoleon will have a Waterloo.
A really good friend of mine has been doing some amateur modeling and he just shared with me one of this latest photos.
I will admit, I find him attractive, inside and out, but this latest picture actually made my heart stop for a second.
It was not just the angle, the lighting and the pose, it was seeing him and knowing just how amazing he is and just made me start pondering the meaning of beauty.
To me beauty is more than just the physical, it is the emotional reaction is creates in you. However, when it comes to my relationships, the emotional reaction is often skewed by the physical beauty I see, but that is a topic for another posting someday.
I think the most important thing to any true appreciation of art is to understand what makes you feel and then trust your feelings when you are seeing the work.
I am taking a Washington Real Estate Fundamentals class to get my 60 credit hours for the Washington State Real Estate Salesperson exam. I am ideally aiming for my Limited Practice Officer appointment, so I can get some part time work doing real estate closing document drafting. So I was chugging along the online course ok, doing 100% on the first two sections of Unit 1. Then my own intellectual arrogance came into play. Started rushing through the end of section quizzes and started getting some wrong.I was aiming to get a perfect score, completely out of my insecurity.So today’s lesson -- take your time in all you do -- no extra points for finishing first anymore.
One things I have learned over the years is that if your communication with others is not clear, then your message will never get across.
In the past four years I have been experiencing a problem of clear communication. It seems no matter how slowly and simply I state my concerns, feelings and wishes, it never seems to get me anywhere with the person I share my life with currently. I say currently since I have many family and friends who are unsure why I stay in this situation that seems so hopelessly doomed.
Whether it is out of fear of what else is out there or just having fallen into a comfortable discontent, I think the one aspect that frustrated me more than anything else is the lack of clear communication between us. To me the lack of consideration for things I have said comes across as a disrespect for me on a very basic level. To him I think the lack of communication is a lack of understanding on my part of him.
Either way, the fundamental of improving our communication remains. Whether we eventually go out separate ways or stay together, if we do not correct how we communicate with each other, I am in for a very unhappy existence.
The picture is of a MetorNap Pod, some sort of sleeping apparatus, which looks very space age to me, but is supposed to be very ergonomic.Well, I chose the topic of sleep tonight since the last few days, minus Casey waking me up in the middle of the night, I have been sleeping great. The colder weather is always a help and the raining at night is just helping with my need for moisture in the air.I know the last few blogs have seen me pissing and moaning about this, that and the other, and worrying I was losing my mind. I have come to realize now that I was just lacking enough good quality sleep.
The point of this blog was going to be about my lunch today with one of my former co-workers and how odd it was talking to him about the old job, the new job, and then attempting to talk about causal things. However, while looking for the perfect picture, which is my childhood house, I realized that I could not remember the address.
I spent 15 years in that house pictured above. It was not the most pleasant part of my life and I wasted no time to get as far away from it when the first chance presented itself. But the fact that it has been 6 years since I last stepped foot in that house still seems unreal to me. The house was sold to a new family three years ago and I guess I regret that I never had the time to make my peace with it.But after my lunch today, I am not sure making peace with the past is really as therapeutic as people say. Today at lunch my co-worker, who was actually a supervisor, kept saying “We don’t need to post-mortem why you left.” But isn’t that the point of seeing old co-workers who remain at a job against what you think is their best interests?
While I do not doubt that some can find peace by revisiting and having that feeling of conquering the past, I now realize that I am sure as hell not one of those people.
As far as I am concerned, the past can stay in the past and it should only be used as a learning tool to protect yourself from the same mistakes in the future. Nothing more, nothing less.
Ever since I was little I have always felt extremely inadequate in comparison to almost everyone else I know: my brother, my friends, people I was dating. No matter how much praise I receive, no matter how sincere the source, I can never feel comfortable in my own skills and abilities as a worker, boyfriend, or human being.
I think this is what has fueled my compulsive tendencies for knowing everything I can about everything I can. It has fueled my storyteller to put out there as much of my knowledge as possible (and this is in direct conflict with my introverted nature). Is it possible to one day just magically let your hang ups go and become a fully, functional normal human being. Or is this, again back to earlier blog topics, what can lead to feeling lost and dementia?
I was in a meeting today with five attorneys and a Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) and they were all discussing the complexities of this case I am working on that is rather beyond the normal scope for a probate case. Afterward, I was talking to my boss about what I had concerns about based on the discussion. It was refreshing to have a stimulating conversation about something other than the dull, mundane, bullshit of daily life. It was the best thing to happen to me all week. My daily recommendation, never let your brain go mushy. Seek out every day something to stretch your mind with, no matter how silly it may seem.
I was watching (and am still watching) Empire Strikes Back, the original one, not the enhanced one. I was seeing it for the first time since having watched all three prequels and it is quite the interesting phenomenon.
The most interesting part of this to me is that you see Yoda in this movie, originally for the first time, as a rather eccentric and almost mad little creature. Now while the prequels still paint him as rather testy sometimes, in Empire he appears like he is suffering from dementia.
In Revenge of the Sith we last see Yoda going into hiding. So one has to wonder did he pick Dagobah intentionally since he assumed no one would ever look for him there? If so, since we never see any other centient life on the planet in Empire, does this mean that he had spent the better part of 20 years alone with his thoughts?
Now for the reason I chose this particular topic. Re-watching this film has made me wonder if spending too much time alone with oneself and one’s own thoughts can lead one to become crazy? I used to enjoy spending time alone, and now even though I am in a long term relationship, I am alone more often than not. While I have Rose and Casey it is not the same as spending time with people and having interaction. Maybe this is why I spend so much time online. Maybe it is why I am feeling so lost lately. Maybe it is time for me to start re-evaluating my life on a grander scale than I normally do. Then again, maybe I am just giving into that dementia I see in Yoda.
Now before you all start thinking I have truly gone off the deep end by trying to figure out the connection between the blog photo and title, let me assure you, all will be made clear in a few moments. So I just received today the announcement that the members ticket sale starts tomorrow for Three Dollar Bill Cinema’s film festival which starts on October 13. I used to work for them (see Resume) but have not had a chance to attend the past few years. (Now here is where the picture comes into play)
The reason I have missed the festival the past few years is because I was losing myself in my relationship. As many of you know, I am involved with someone who has not fully accepted himself. As a result, I have compartmentalized parts of myself and it has affected me in a lot of ways. However, the past few years I did make a first step in going to SIFF again and this year I am planning on taking an even bigger step by returning to Seattle Lesbian and Gay Film Festival as a proud supporter of a wonderful non-profit arts organization.
When I was little, I used to love this show on PBS called the Magic Garden. It was hosted by the two hippie-ish women and part of the show was the magic story box. The trunk lid would open and close on its own in conjunction with this cheesey music and song. The trunk contained all these costumes and things and the women did a skit based on the things in the trunk. It seemed like the coolest thing at the time, but now I am wondering if this is what started my childhood delusions. For example, when I would go to the bathroom at night, I could see through from my bedroom door through the dining room and to the living room. It was really dark so i would be a little scared. I was like 8 at the time. So as I would be coming back to my room I would hurry to get back in with the door shut, since I thought I would see Jesus running from the living room, through the dining room, trying to catch me. The question I still cannot understand is why I was afraid of Jesus catching me?
So having been a veteran of customer service for three years (see Resume) I know that sometimes it is not easy to deal with irate people who are being completely irrational and unreasonable. But I always was sympathetic to them on the phone and made them know that I understood what they were feeling, even if I could not help. Is it me, or is this a lost art amongst todays people in customer service? I spent the better part of this week dealing with my car dealer’s service department. I was forced to initiate all the calls regarding the status of the job and was ever given a return call, even after being promised one. I am now stuck for another three or four days without my car, because of poor customer service on the car dealer’s part. What has inspired this entry is that the I called the dealer today five times. At no point was I given any idea of when someone would call back, just excuse after excuse about under staffing on Saturdays. When I commented how I was shocked that no one had bothered to tell me that the Service Department closed early on Saturdays, the main receptionist flippantly told me when “I don’t work in Service.” Now just because you are the only game in town, is no more an excuse for bad customer service, than being under staffed.
Tonight I had dinner with a good friend of mine. For those who have been keeping up to date on my blogs, you will notice that I have been a bit out of sorts. Well, it was not so much the food, or the amount of time we were together, but just the fact that we were together that made me feel better. Never under estimate the benefit of spending a few short moments together with friends who make you smile.
Have you ever had one of those days where you were so tired that you were not sure how you felt? Like you were tired, but not exhausted, and frustrated with things going on in your life, but not enough to get annoyed at it. I am having one of those days today where I am just so not fully enough of anything that I cannot seem to feel. I commented last night about joking that I was dead inside and thought it might be true, but for very different reasons. Today I think I am not dead inside so much as just needing a good recharge. Maybe I need to go to visit the Vancouver boys again.
I was reading something interesting in Savage Love in The Stranger today at lunch. It was a straight reader writing in regarding having a gay wingman to help him get woman.
Well, this particular reader was commenting how it has back fired on him and his brother. Dan commented that this is why people do not typically make friends with people they find attractive. This reminded me of When Harry Met Sally and that then started me thinking. I always make friends with people I find attractive.
Does that mean I am deficient in some way or that I am always looking for the next best thing? Or is my joke about me being dead inside not really a joke anymore.
What would you do if you suddenly realized that your life has taken several turns that you never intended it to? Even worse, you are not sure they were for the better or worse? Would you stop and take stock of the situation? Or would you just keep going on and hope it would all work itself out in the end? Right now I am experiencing just such a situation. Unfortunately, I cannot decide if I want to take stock or let it work itself out. I am doing a dance of doing both at the same time. It is extremely tiring and I would never recommend it.
