One more nail in the coffin

It is funny how the finish line in life can mean so many different things, all depending on the context.  For me today, I had two events that could be a raising of the checkered flag for me.  One was the finality of a case tat was sucking the life out of me and the second is an opportunity that may prevent me from falling deeper into my financial abyss.

What makes life even more strange is that I had run across the opportunity before, in a different context, and now here it is again before my eyes.  The opportunity sounds like it could be both financially satisfying and professionally developing.  Is this what I have been searching for or in the alternative, my karmic due?

Emotionally I remain empty and I do not like this feeling.  With the completion of some and the advancement of others, my emotional emptiness is not improved.  Will this feeling never change?  Will I always feel dead inside?  Will there ever be a finishing line for the pain that I feel...

AARRGGHHH

Reality bites -- big time -- I don't want to play anymore.

I no longer had a choice

I tried for so long to protect him.  Even when it was against my own best interests.  But today I had no choice.  Today I had to cross the line and break the bubble that he has been living in.  I had to become one of those I have been trying to protect him from all these months.

I am not sure how this will play out but I am hoping that for once, the fates, or karma, will let things play out well for me in the end.  At the same time I still feel guilty for having to bring this to light but I am not ready to back down.  I have others who need my protection more and the are truly helpless.

I am not sure what tomorrow will bring yet.  I can only hope that this step will brings us closer and maybe brings us both to a better place in our lives.  Fingers crossed for a better tomorrow.

My guilty pleasure

The Super Bowl to me and I would not have it any other way.

Memories are a funny thing...

Tonight Torchwood dealt with an alien who was from "the void" and infiltrated himself into the team by implanting memories and resurrecting others.  It makes me wonder on my own memories which like tonight's blog pic, are somewhat distorted and appear to me as if I am looking in at them from the outside. 

I have always thought my memories were the result of my subconscious trying to protect me.  But what if it is not so simple as that.  What if I have re-shaped the memories to what I want them to be in order to rationalize my distancing myself from people.  What if I have consciously manipulated memories to be less hurtful than the truth.  How do I resurrect the truth from the distortions to move on in the right direction.

Even more puzzling to me is, does it matter?  Does it matter if your memories are peppered with editorializing?  Does it matter if you are living your life based on misperceptions and falsehood of your own creation?  Torchwood did not have an answer.  Neither do I.

Karma has a wicked sense of humor...

...and makes me feel guilt over decisions of self preservation.

My new fascination...

...his name is Hung Lo and he is very interesting character.

Just when I thought I was over it...

...jealousy takes me over again.

Still searching for the balance

I sometimes think I am loosing the battle when it comes to him.

Burning inside...

Like the hot blue hot, I am burning with a rage inside but look cold on first sight.

The new look of hot

His name is Johan Libereau, he is a young French actor, and he is my new token favorite caucasian.

All I can say...

I am not sure what I did to cause the rift between us, but I can only say I want you back.

A not so love note...

Bills are not post-Valentine's Day love notes, are they?

Black Thursday

Another Valentine's Day and my heart still bleeds.

Up against the wall

I can relate to this tulip lately...not good.

Money doesn't grow on trees...

...how I wish that was not the case.

My new love...

...now only if I had the budget to make the love a reality.

Giving off the vibes

Sometimes I do not realize the radius my energy has and its effect on others.

Small gay world...

Tonight I was reminded how my circle is a lot smaller than I try to make it. 

A well deserved treat...

...and oh what a treat it was.

RCW 11.96A - TEDRA

Yet another afternoon of fun learning more legal mumbo jumbo.

Nostalgia

A drawing of a Hmong flute reminds me of life getting in the way of something that could have been beautiful.

The Anti-Anniversary

I forgot that a year and a day ago my life changed forever...I guess it was not as dramatic change as I thought.

Aren't we past this?

So much for playing by the rules.

It makes the world go round...

...and my particular cog is needing some greasing.

Will things ever be the same?

Only time will tell unfortunately.

Anticipation

The fear of the unknown is far worse when the unknown is anticipation.

The modern day Cassandra

Cassandra, daughter of Priam, a prophet who always foresaw doom, and I think I am her modern day reincarnation for my friends.

The only one with the cookie crunch...

Seinfelding experience occurred today when mine was caught in the vending machine.

Finally some good news

I guess the fates are kind in allowing tax code exemptions to not make this upcoming one year anniversary any worse than it already is.

Hiding secrets

I have to wonder how well I know people when they start to lie to me when clearly they know I know the truth.

Only one word can describe today

Enough said.

What a let down

This year with yet another new channel, another new host, and another new format, is just another disappointment.

Just like riding a bike

Sitting down to break bread with a new friend is never as scary as you think when you are out of practice. 

The month of reckoning

Will this be the month that true healing can begin?

Regret

I know I am getting in a bad place when I start to regret the offers I make in kindness.

Again, seriously?

Good to know it is not only my personal life that is in a vicious cycle.

At long freakin last!

My iPhone finally arrived after more drama and I have to it was so worth it all.

Sometimes I wonder...

...if I am trying to correct the past by planning the future.

Pretention at its highest...

...good thing it was at a discounted price.

On my list...

...after a day of calls and screw ups, yeah, they are on my list.

I was speechless...

When not only colleagues are after your ass, is it time to change careers?

Completely unsastisfied

Don't you hate it when the build up so over reaches the climax.

I am taking the plunge...

Coming 1/18/2008 or sometime thereabouts.

Comfort Food

Sometimes nothing else will do.

The zen of laundry

My friends think I am crazy for enjoying laundry day (or weekend now that my washer and dryer as a whole lot smaller than the ones featured in tonight's blog pic).  It is not the waiting that I find enjoyable.  In fact, that is the most tedious part of it.  It is the folding that I find such a zen experience.

Folding is very simple and focused process, sort of like origami, but with larger material.  I do not enjoy the putting away the folded clothes, but the act of folding is very calming and soothing process.  What is even more insane is that it does not need to be my own laundry I am folding, it could be any one's laundry.

So why is this my topic of choice this evening?  Well, today was one of those days I needed a moment of zen and folding provided that to me.  How sad my life is that I am in need of that kind of centering.  What a year this is starting off to be.

Flowers, really?

Sometimes even the effort is just as insulting as the token when getting stood up.

K - A - R - M - A

Karma is a bitch.  But how do you know if the bad shit you are going through is the result of payback for something bad you had done or a way to prepare you for a flood of good fortune?  This is the question that is plaguing me today since I have heard good and bad news about friends and I am of course in a continual pattern of struggle.

So if this is a payback for as previous wrong indiscretion, how do I make amends if I am not sure what the indiscretion was in the first place?  If this is advance suffering for the good times to come, then on what scale do we define good times?  This becomes significant since in bad times, even the smallest thing can seem a jackpot, which then in the long run diminishes it.

Whatever the answer, I am ready to know which cycle I am in so I can plan accordingly.  But isn't the whole point of karmic retribution/reward that is it unexpected?  I have such headache now.

Impure thoughts...

So over the past few days I have been in talks with someone and my thoughts and motivations for these conversations are not the most innocent and I feel may be clouding my mind in a bad way.  But I do not feel like I want to stop.  What does that say about me?

Part of me is believing that in this situation is is partially karmic balance.  But does that make it right to proceed?  Or is this just a second round of giving myself a distraction for the time of year that is coming up?  Either way, not sure what to do at this point.

So where does one go when they need advice on this type of ethical dilemma?  There is no association and can you really discuss it with your friends without looking like an ass?  Well, stay tuned, I am sure the result of this dilemma will make as posting eventually.

Sitting this one out...

Well kids I am just too damn tired of all the bullshit going on around me and need to sit this one out.